Last month I joined Twitter for one simple reason: I needed the material.
Like any decent stand-up comedian, I’m always on the lookout for the latest trend, fad or cultural phenomenon so I can make fun of it. So often, that phenomenon seems to be technology. Audiences are deserting comedy clubs in droves so they can stay home on Saturday nights and update their Facebook pages. If they do venture out, might as well make them laugh about Facebook, right?
When I signed up for Twitter, the application that allows you to communicate with friends in 140-character messages that can be read on cell phones while the cell phone owner should be doing more important things – like driving, I saw no use for it. Whom would I tweet? Who would want to “follow” me and hang on my every tweet? If I tweeted “just went through the carwash,” would somebody tweet back, “how does the car look now? Did they miss a spot? TELL ME MORE!”
Moments after establishing my account, I stared at the Twitter homepage. There was an empty box staring at me; a box anxiously awaiting my first Tweet.
I hovered over the keyboard and wrote, after much thought, “just signed up for Twitter.”
That ought to draw some interest in Twitterland.
Alas, after two hours, I had received exactly zero emails from Twitter requesting my approval for anyone to follow me. Feeling a little like the kid picked last on the basketball team, I instant messaged a friend via Facebook. Yes, I was perusing Facebook at the same time I was signing up for Twitter. And yes, it was Saturday night.
“Are you on Twitter?” I asked.
“Yes, but I don’t get it” came the reply from Janis, a Canadian business acquaintance.
“Can you follow me?” I begged. It was like a girl asking a boy to take her to prom.
“Sure,” she replied. “I want to see how this thing works.”
“I’ll do the same,” I said, meaning I would follow her. Might as well make somebody else happy.
Moments later, my inbox exploded: “Janis has requested to follow you on Twitter.”
I eagerly accepted and composed my second tweet, this one a direct message to Janis: “Thanks for following me.”
For a week, that was all the tweeting I did. I signed up to follow a few people and media outlets including the Chicago Tribune and CNN Breaking News. Apparently I signed up for Twitter during the slowest news week of the century for I received exactly one BREAKING NEWS tweet and it concerned a country I had never heard of. More breaking news occurred in the Chicago area, if one considers a Cubs victory breaking news.
Then again, if the Cubs continue their sordid play, a victory may very well fall into that category.
I was ready to give up Twitter because it was depressing me. Not depressing in the sense that I had no followers save Janis; not depressing because I was getting tweets like “man kills family in suburban Chicago home,” but depressing because I had tweeted nothing. Could my life really be so boring that it wasn’t even worth 140 characters? I’ve seen Britney Spears interviewed several times and she strikes me as somewhat boring. Yet she has about two jillion Twitter followers.
Then, while reading USA Today one morning, I happened on an article in the sports section – an article that focused on the use of Twitter by college and professional coaches.
It seems that coaches are tweeting fans with practice updates, tweeting boosters on blue chip signings and tweeting recruits and begging them to attend their respective institutions.
Okay, that last one is probably illegal but I seriously doubt the NCAA has gotten around to creating a “Twitter violation” position.
Now here was something I could tweet about for I am also a coach. Granted I don’t coach a professional or Division One college team but I’m a coach nonetheless. For the past month I have presided over the Wildcats, a dozen of the cutest six and seven year old girls in my town’s Little League “Kittens” division. Our first game was rapidly approaching. Could I handle managerial duties while tweeting at the same time? More importantly could I capture the thrills and excitement of a league whose teams include the “Falcons,” the “Bobcats” and the “Golden Bears?”
I will let you, the reader of this blog, decide from these tweets:
1 p.m. Overcast and 75. The Wildcats are ready to play softball. The snack has arrived.
1:01 p.m. Amy just announced that she doesn’t want to play catcher
1:03 p.m. The Wildcats take the field. I have put the “no cartwheel” rule into effect
1:04 p.m. First question for Manager Schwem: “Where is right field?”
1:09 p.m. 1-0 Wildcats. The girls said we just scored a “point.”
1:15 p.m. 3-2 Wildcats. Grace says she is “freezing.” The temp has dropped to 72
1:34 p.m. 6-4 Wildcats after 3. Our 3rd baseman just stepped on 3rd for a force. One problem...nobody was on base
1:36 p.m. First potty break of the game
1:42 p.m. Elizabeth tagged a runner! The correct runner!
1:43 p.m. There’s a big hole in center and there will be until Ali returns from the bathroom
2:14 p.m. Coaches just realized the catcher is crying. Tough to see when she is wearing a mask
2:25 p.m. 6-5 Wildcats heading to the last inning. The girls are eyeing the snacks
2:28 p.m. The girls are getting good at staring at the ball while it rolls past them
2:29 p.m. Falcons on first and second with one out. GULP!
2:30 p.m. Grace just caught a popup, stepped on second sned tagged a runner. Thats four outs, correct?
2:34 p.m. Game over. We win. Juice box tastes good
2:36 p.m. The Wildcats are 1-0. One victory and zero icepacks or injuries that drew blood. So far, a good season
2:37 p.m Almost forgot. Final score: 6 points to 5
Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and owner of Comedy With a Byte, Inc. He can be reached via Twitter at @gschwem View his corporate demo by clicking here. His YouTube playlist may be accessed by clicking here
One Against Three...and The Dog Makes Four is the blog of corporate stand-up comedian,author and nationally syndicated Tribune Media columnist Greg Schwem. Read how Greg survives in a family that includes his wife, two daughters and yes, a female dog. Hungry for more? Check out Greg's book, "Text Me If You're Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low Tech Dad" now available at your favorite on line or retail bookstore
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Take the swine flu quiz!
We were having a family dinner last night, something we always try to do before I fly off on a business trip. After explaining to the kids that Dad would be flying to Tucson, Arizona, my wife changed the tone of the conversation with one simple question:
“Will you be wearing a mask?”
Nothing like a swine flu pandemic to make dinner seem less appetizing. By sheer coincidence, we were eating pork chops.
In just a matter of days, swine flu has replaced Britain’s Got Talent singer Susan Boyle as the world’s number one topic of conversation. CNN’s Anderson Cooper “tweets” about the subject so often that I have stopped “following” him on Twitter. Seriously, I don’t know how Cooper finds time to host a nightly news show, provide minute by minute updates of swine flu victims and still maintain that perfectly off-white head of hair. Sooner or later something has to give.
Thanks to Cooper, I’m aware that the disease is in Mexico City. Wait, now it’s in Europe. Hold on, it just flew across the ocean to New Zealand. Now it’s in New York City. It was photographed partying with Kim Kardashian at a swank Miami Beach hotspot. TMZ.com has EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS.
In spite of the virus’ viral spread, I told my wife that no, I did not have a surgical mask and was not planning to wear one on my three hour flight to Arizona.
Call me an eternal optimist but I just don’t believe I’m going to catch a disease, no matter how many people have it. I’m just the opposite of people who are afraid to come in contact with other members of the human race. We watch Deal or No Deal enough to know that host Howie Mandel is a notorious germaphobe and will only “fist bump” contestants who appear onstage with him. After watching this show, I think Mandel is afraid of catching a chronic case of stupidity from contestants who refuse to go quietly with half a million dollars and instead scream, “NO DEAL.” The show always ends the same way: the lucky player opts to open one more case and leaves the stage with enough money for bus fare.
After stand-up comedy performances, I shake dozens- sometimes hundreds – of hands. Sure I wash my hands afterward but I don’t drown them in anti-bacterial liquid. I don’t eye the pretzel dish at the bar with a look of unbridled horror. Sometimes I will actually eat the pretzels, even though the dish is half full, meaning other hands have been there prior to mine.
I’ve consumed yogurt past its expiration date, sat on toilet seats without paper covers and allowed dogs to lick my face. I’ve drank from public fountains, walked barefoot in locker rooms and shared a bottle of Gatorade with my kids.
I’ve eaten food after dropping it on the floor, used gym equipment without wiping it down and typed on computer keyboards at public libraries.
I’m still here and, as far as I can tell, I’m perfectly healthy.
Okay, I did catch a doozy case of the flu about a year ago. Knocked me on my butt for two days. Ironically, I think I picked it up in Mexico, as the virus swooped down on me just days after returning from a family vacation in Cabo San Lucas.
But prior to that, save for the common cold, I can’t remember the last time I was sick. I’ve remained healthy even while flying more than 1 million miles, performing in 45 states and visiting numerous foreign countries. I’ve also never had a flu shot.
But now, as I get ready to board the plane to Tucson, I see the flight attendant wearing surgical gloves while collecting tickets. A person in line behind me sneezed. Anderson Cooper just tweeted that the virus is in Indiana. Should I get out of line and find a surgical mask kiosk in O’Hare?
I’m 46 and this is the first alleged pandemic that I’ve experienced. True, I want to protect myself but it just doesn’t seem as easy as strapping on a mask and going about my daily life. For starters, wearing a mask gives me the creeps. Even in non-pandemic situations, I will occasionally see someone walking through an airport wearing one. To me, they might as well have a sign around their neck that says, “I’M THE ONE WITH THE DISEASE. STAY AWAY FROM ME!”
Michael Jackson is often photographed in public wearing a surgical mask. Okay, show of hands. How many people think Michael Jackson is a normal human being?
That’s my point. A surgical mask is today’s equivalent of a scarlet letter.
“So what?” countered my wife. “Why not take EVERY precaution to protect yourself.” She went on to announce that she would definitely wear a mask if she were traveling right now.
That’s her choice. But eventually everyone will have to decide just how seriously they want to take this threat. And with that, I’ve come up with a brief swine flu quiz. What would YOU do in these situations?
Question 1: You’re sitting on a plane and you have a mask in your carry on luggage. Midway through the flight, the passenger next to you sneezes. Do you…
A) Immediately put on your mask, regardless of how offensive it looks to your seatmate?
B) Offer the mask to the sneezer?
C) Ask to be reseated
D) Update your will
Question 2: You walk into a restaurant wearing a mask. The hostess warily leads you to a table in the back. After 10 minutes, nobody has waited on you. Do you…
A) Take off your mask and loudly say, “I was only kidding.”
B) Casually mention that you are a food critic for the New York Times.
C) Leave the restaurant and realize that, until this pandemic ends, your restaurant meals will consist solely of drive through fast food.
D) Cook at home, providing you have enough food in your pantry so you don’t have to go to a grocery store wearing your mask.
Question 3: You and your fiancée are about to board a nonstop flight from New York City to Rio de Janeiro, where you will exchange vows. Mechanical problems force cancellation of the flight. A gate agent says there is another flight leaving in one hour, albeit with a brief stop in Mexico City. Do you…
A) Decide this is a bad omen and call off the engagement but vow to always “stay in touch” via Facebook
B) Ask the airport chaplain to marry you
C) Purchase “his and hers” surgical masks from a New York City street vendor
D) Take the flight, take your chances and pledge that, if one of you contracts swine flu, the other will make every effort to get it too. After all, marriage is about sharing, isn’t it?
Question 4: You wake up in the morning with a slight headache and a temperature of 99.7 degrees. Do you…
A) Take an aspirin and go back to bed
B) Call in sick and say, “it’s probably nothing but it might be swine flu.”
C) Get out of bed and say to yourself, “now is NOT a good time for me to catch swine flu”
D) Tweet Anderson Cooper
Question 5: Tyler and Ashley, two kids at your child’s school, have flu-like symptoms. Officials decide to take “precautionary measures” and close the school. You have an important business meeting and no childcare available. Do you…
A) Decide that today would be a perfect “Take Your Child to Work” day.
B) Take a personal day and see if this home schooling thing is all it’s cracked up to be
C) Stay home, lose your job and join the ever expanding ranks of the nation’s unemployed
D) Give your kids surgical masks and quickly arrange a play date at Tyler’s house
See what I mean? Pandemics just aren’t as cut and dried as they were back in the Middle Ages. We have busier schedules and, as much as we hate to admit it, we worry about how we might be perceived by others.
I’m made my decision: No mask for me. I’m going to get on that plane, fly to Arizona, do a good show, shake hands, wash them and continue believing that, if swine flu wants to get me, it will find a way and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Except maybe avoid the bar pretzels.
“Will you be wearing a mask?”
Nothing like a swine flu pandemic to make dinner seem less appetizing. By sheer coincidence, we were eating pork chops.
In just a matter of days, swine flu has replaced Britain’s Got Talent singer Susan Boyle as the world’s number one topic of conversation. CNN’s Anderson Cooper “tweets” about the subject so often that I have stopped “following” him on Twitter. Seriously, I don’t know how Cooper finds time to host a nightly news show, provide minute by minute updates of swine flu victims and still maintain that perfectly off-white head of hair. Sooner or later something has to give.
Thanks to Cooper, I’m aware that the disease is in Mexico City. Wait, now it’s in Europe. Hold on, it just flew across the ocean to New Zealand. Now it’s in New York City. It was photographed partying with Kim Kardashian at a swank Miami Beach hotspot. TMZ.com has EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS.
In spite of the virus’ viral spread, I told my wife that no, I did not have a surgical mask and was not planning to wear one on my three hour flight to Arizona.
Call me an eternal optimist but I just don’t believe I’m going to catch a disease, no matter how many people have it. I’m just the opposite of people who are afraid to come in contact with other members of the human race. We watch Deal or No Deal enough to know that host Howie Mandel is a notorious germaphobe and will only “fist bump” contestants who appear onstage with him. After watching this show, I think Mandel is afraid of catching a chronic case of stupidity from contestants who refuse to go quietly with half a million dollars and instead scream, “NO DEAL.” The show always ends the same way: the lucky player opts to open one more case and leaves the stage with enough money for bus fare.
After stand-up comedy performances, I shake dozens- sometimes hundreds – of hands. Sure I wash my hands afterward but I don’t drown them in anti-bacterial liquid. I don’t eye the pretzel dish at the bar with a look of unbridled horror. Sometimes I will actually eat the pretzels, even though the dish is half full, meaning other hands have been there prior to mine.
I’ve consumed yogurt past its expiration date, sat on toilet seats without paper covers and allowed dogs to lick my face. I’ve drank from public fountains, walked barefoot in locker rooms and shared a bottle of Gatorade with my kids.
I’ve eaten food after dropping it on the floor, used gym equipment without wiping it down and typed on computer keyboards at public libraries.
I’m still here and, as far as I can tell, I’m perfectly healthy.
Okay, I did catch a doozy case of the flu about a year ago. Knocked me on my butt for two days. Ironically, I think I picked it up in Mexico, as the virus swooped down on me just days after returning from a family vacation in Cabo San Lucas.
But prior to that, save for the common cold, I can’t remember the last time I was sick. I’ve remained healthy even while flying more than 1 million miles, performing in 45 states and visiting numerous foreign countries. I’ve also never had a flu shot.
But now, as I get ready to board the plane to Tucson, I see the flight attendant wearing surgical gloves while collecting tickets. A person in line behind me sneezed. Anderson Cooper just tweeted that the virus is in Indiana. Should I get out of line and find a surgical mask kiosk in O’Hare?
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I’m 46 and this is the first alleged pandemic that I’ve experienced. True, I want to protect myself but it just doesn’t seem as easy as strapping on a mask and going about my daily life. For starters, wearing a mask gives me the creeps. Even in non-pandemic situations, I will occasionally see someone walking through an airport wearing one. To me, they might as well have a sign around their neck that says, “I’M THE ONE WITH THE DISEASE. STAY AWAY FROM ME!”
Michael Jackson is often photographed in public wearing a surgical mask. Okay, show of hands. How many people think Michael Jackson is a normal human being?
That’s my point. A surgical mask is today’s equivalent of a scarlet letter.
“So what?” countered my wife. “Why not take EVERY precaution to protect yourself.” She went on to announce that she would definitely wear a mask if she were traveling right now.
That’s her choice. But eventually everyone will have to decide just how seriously they want to take this threat. And with that, I’ve come up with a brief swine flu quiz. What would YOU do in these situations?
Question 1: You’re sitting on a plane and you have a mask in your carry on luggage. Midway through the flight, the passenger next to you sneezes. Do you…
A) Immediately put on your mask, regardless of how offensive it looks to your seatmate?
B) Offer the mask to the sneezer?
C) Ask to be reseated
D) Update your will
Question 2: You walk into a restaurant wearing a mask. The hostess warily leads you to a table in the back. After 10 minutes, nobody has waited on you. Do you…
A) Take off your mask and loudly say, “I was only kidding.”
B) Casually mention that you are a food critic for the New York Times.
C) Leave the restaurant and realize that, until this pandemic ends, your restaurant meals will consist solely of drive through fast food.
D) Cook at home, providing you have enough food in your pantry so you don’t have to go to a grocery store wearing your mask.
Question 3: You and your fiancée are about to board a nonstop flight from New York City to Rio de Janeiro, where you will exchange vows. Mechanical problems force cancellation of the flight. A gate agent says there is another flight leaving in one hour, albeit with a brief stop in Mexico City. Do you…
A) Decide this is a bad omen and call off the engagement but vow to always “stay in touch” via Facebook
B) Ask the airport chaplain to marry you
C) Purchase “his and hers” surgical masks from a New York City street vendor
D) Take the flight, take your chances and pledge that, if one of you contracts swine flu, the other will make every effort to get it too. After all, marriage is about sharing, isn’t it?
Question 4: You wake up in the morning with a slight headache and a temperature of 99.7 degrees. Do you…
A) Take an aspirin and go back to bed
B) Call in sick and say, “it’s probably nothing but it might be swine flu.”
C) Get out of bed and say to yourself, “now is NOT a good time for me to catch swine flu”
D) Tweet Anderson Cooper
Question 5: Tyler and Ashley, two kids at your child’s school, have flu-like symptoms. Officials decide to take “precautionary measures” and close the school. You have an important business meeting and no childcare available. Do you…
A) Decide that today would be a perfect “Take Your Child to Work” day.
B) Take a personal day and see if this home schooling thing is all it’s cracked up to be
C) Stay home, lose your job and join the ever expanding ranks of the nation’s unemployed
D) Give your kids surgical masks and quickly arrange a play date at Tyler’s house
See what I mean? Pandemics just aren’t as cut and dried as they were back in the Middle Ages. We have busier schedules and, as much as we hate to admit it, we worry about how we might be perceived by others.
I’m made my decision: No mask for me. I’m going to get on that plane, fly to Arizona, do a good show, shake hands, wash them and continue believing that, if swine flu wants to get me, it will find a way and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Except maybe avoid the bar pretzels.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Have a question? Ask the vegetables
I was watching the Masters golf tournament last weekend from my weekend perch, also known as the “Dad recliner.”
I watch golf on TV not because I enjoy it but because I’m usually in need of a mid-afternoon nap and nothing puts me to sleep faster than the soothing sounds of golf.
When I’m watching golf, nothing fazes me. It’s hard to get overly excited watching a guy in bad pants spend four minutes pondering whether to hit a 63 degree lob wedge or a 64 degree lob wedge.
Golf announcers are so calm that I think they should switch jobs with CNBC commentators, if only until our financial markets right themselves. Face it, one of the reasons this country is panicking is that we are constantly being bombarded with the likes of Jim Cramer on CNBC screaming, “SELL. NOW BUY. HOLD. HOLD THEN BUY BEFORE YOU SELL. WAIT! FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID”
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be holding, buying or selling but I feel like I should be doing something before Jim Cramer’s arteries explode on live television.
If golf announcers ran CNBC, nobody would have needlessly panicked last September. Companies wouldn’t have laid off thousands of workers and General Motors might still be a viable organization. Golf announcers can make even the most dire news sound about as troubling as a smudge on eyeglasses.
GOLF ANNOUNCER 1: Let’s go down to the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Steve, you have some sort of announcement?
GOLF ANNOUNCER 2: That’s right Jack. It appears Bank of America only has $2,500 left in its vault. And an elderly lady from Scranton just walked in with a withdrawal slip in her hand. Back to you.
If I heard that information, delivered on CNBC by the honey sweet voices of the CBS golf crew, I’d probably react by adjusting the headrest on my Dad chair and repositioning the remote.
On the other hand, I also would be thoroughly entertained watching Jim Cramer stand behind Tiger Woods on the 18th tee of the Masters and say, “HE’S GONNA HIT THE THREE WOOD. WHAT IS THIS GUY THINKING? YOU GOTTA BE AGGRESSIVE. HIT THE DRIVER!”
However, since Cramer is probably not allowed on the Masters grounds simply because of his reputation, I stared at the TV and slowly drifted into dreamland. I jolted awake only during commercial breaks.
IBM dominated the commercials. During every break, I was forced to listen to actual IBMers, or actors who said they were actual IBMers, talk about systems. Apparently everybody at IBM is working on a system of some sort. They spent the rest of the commercial vaguely explaining what these systems do.
Except for one female IBMer. Her definition was very clear. At least four times during the Masters telecast, she looked directly into the camera and told me that she was working on a system that “allows carrots to tell truck drivers how fresh they are.”
I’m not kidding.
IBM is close to perfecting talking carrots.
Now I was wide awake.
Okay, I’m sure the carrots don’t actually say, “hey buddy, I’m getting a little moldy back here. Might want to pull over at the nearest compost heap and do something about it.”
More likely, the containers are tagged with some IBM-created bar code that’s chock full of information like when the carrots were planted, harvested, packed and when they should wind up on the plate of a four year old, where they will be aimlessly moved around with a fork before being tossed, uneaten into the trash.
But that’s not what she said. She actually said the carrots could tell something.
The only thing this commercial told me was that I never want to drive a truck. Not if it means taking orders from vegetables.
Personally I don’t think the world needs talking food. Don’t enough inanimate objects already talk to us?
My BMW X5 has an on-board navigation system. It’s powered by something called iDrive. These days, anything with a small “i” in front of it can only mean one thing: it’s too complicated for anyone to understand other than the person who invented it.
The iDrive is no exception. Basically I now have a computer mouse in my car. By scrolling up and down, side to side and clicking various links on the iDrive screen, I can change radio stations, control the air conditioning, change the time zone or wrap my vehicle around a light pole because my eyes were on the iDrive screen as opposed to the road.
The iDrive also controls the on-board navigation system. When I click “navigation,” a flashing icon on a map shows me precisely where my car is and can even program directions to a nearby destination. When I do this, the vehicle begins speaking to me.
I mean it actually speaks to me. A perky female voice enters the car and verbally gives me step-by-step directions, often saying things that give new meaning to the word “obvious.”
“Continue driving on the road.”
As opposed to driving through a building.
“Make a legal U-turn.”
She says that when I decide to take a shortcut that only I know about. I’m a guy after all.
“In two and a quarter miles, bear right.”
Two and a quarter miles? Thanks for the early warning. I just spent the last two miles trying to figure out how to get the iDrive to wash my windows.
I thought the woman inside my iDrive was pretty cool until recently, when I realized BMW sold me the laziest talking iDrive system in the world. I live in a neighborhood near a major interstate that was recently extended with federal funds. These are the same kind of funds that President Obama says will be readily available to put Americans back to work “building roads and repairing bridges.”
I question his plan only because I don’t know anybody who knows how to build a road or a bridge. Most of my unemployed friends are salesmen and, like me, are useless when it comes to building anything.
The extension is now open to traffic. Problem is, I purchased my BMW with iDrive and talking female companion before the work was completed. Therefore, the software doesn’t feature the new section of road.
As a result, whenever I enter this new piece of roadway, the screen in my iDrive shows my car driving over a cliff. I have driven over this cliff at least a dozen times.
Not once did Miss Know it All say ANYTHING.
That’s right. Nada. Not, “the road ends in one mile,” or “make a U-turn, even if it’s illegal,” or “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” or “you are about to die.”
The least she could do is notify a local police department and let the dispatcher know that I’m about to cause myself great bodily harm. But noooo! She remains silent. Should I survive the impact, however, this gal is more than happy to locate a restaurant for me.
My point is that talking computers don’t have feelings. They don’t show passion or concern or respect. They provide limited instructions or information but have no idea how to improvise. Only humans can do that.
Has a voice prompt or voice-activated software ever solved a problem for you? Think about it. I can book a plane ticket simply by screaming my frequent flier number into the phone and letting America Airlines’ automated system do the rest. But what happens if I have a question about luggage? Or meal service? Or a lower fare? Suddenly the computer isn’t so smart and admits it by saying, “I’ll pass your information on to an agent.”
So if you’re an IBMer and you are reading this, stop working on the talking carrot system. We don’t want it. I’ve been eating carrots for 46 years counting the strained variety. They are always fresh, delicious and silent.
Instead, work on a system that lets us talk to each other. Using real words and not voice prompts. While you are at it, please convince my daughter that text messaging is the only form of communication. Verbal sounds work even better.
Let me know what you come up with. In the meantime, Phil Mickelson is about to putt.
Zzzzzzzzzz.
I watch golf on TV not because I enjoy it but because I’m usually in need of a mid-afternoon nap and nothing puts me to sleep faster than the soothing sounds of golf.
When I’m watching golf, nothing fazes me. It’s hard to get overly excited watching a guy in bad pants spend four minutes pondering whether to hit a 63 degree lob wedge or a 64 degree lob wedge.
Golf announcers are so calm that I think they should switch jobs with CNBC commentators, if only until our financial markets right themselves. Face it, one of the reasons this country is panicking is that we are constantly being bombarded with the likes of Jim Cramer on CNBC screaming, “SELL. NOW BUY. HOLD. HOLD THEN BUY BEFORE YOU SELL. WAIT! FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID”
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be holding, buying or selling but I feel like I should be doing something before Jim Cramer’s arteries explode on live television.
If golf announcers ran CNBC, nobody would have needlessly panicked last September. Companies wouldn’t have laid off thousands of workers and General Motors might still be a viable organization. Golf announcers can make even the most dire news sound about as troubling as a smudge on eyeglasses.
GOLF ANNOUNCER 1: Let’s go down to the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Steve, you have some sort of announcement?
GOLF ANNOUNCER 2: That’s right Jack. It appears Bank of America only has $2,500 left in its vault. And an elderly lady from Scranton just walked in with a withdrawal slip in her hand. Back to you.
If I heard that information, delivered on CNBC by the honey sweet voices of the CBS golf crew, I’d probably react by adjusting the headrest on my Dad chair and repositioning the remote.
On the other hand, I also would be thoroughly entertained watching Jim Cramer stand behind Tiger Woods on the 18th tee of the Masters and say, “HE’S GONNA HIT THE THREE WOOD. WHAT IS THIS GUY THINKING? YOU GOTTA BE AGGRESSIVE. HIT THE DRIVER!”
However, since Cramer is probably not allowed on the Masters grounds simply because of his reputation, I stared at the TV and slowly drifted into dreamland. I jolted awake only during commercial breaks.
IBM dominated the commercials. During every break, I was forced to listen to actual IBMers, or actors who said they were actual IBMers, talk about systems. Apparently everybody at IBM is working on a system of some sort. They spent the rest of the commercial vaguely explaining what these systems do.
Except for one female IBMer. Her definition was very clear. At least four times during the Masters telecast, she looked directly into the camera and told me that she was working on a system that “allows carrots to tell truck drivers how fresh they are.”
I’m not kidding.
IBM is close to perfecting talking carrots.
Now I was wide awake.
Okay, I’m sure the carrots don’t actually say, “hey buddy, I’m getting a little moldy back here. Might want to pull over at the nearest compost heap and do something about it.”
More likely, the containers are tagged with some IBM-created bar code that’s chock full of information like when the carrots were planted, harvested, packed and when they should wind up on the plate of a four year old, where they will be aimlessly moved around with a fork before being tossed, uneaten into the trash.
But that’s not what she said. She actually said the carrots could tell something.
The only thing this commercial told me was that I never want to drive a truck. Not if it means taking orders from vegetables.
Personally I don’t think the world needs talking food. Don’t enough inanimate objects already talk to us?
My BMW X5 has an on-board navigation system. It’s powered by something called iDrive. These days, anything with a small “i” in front of it can only mean one thing: it’s too complicated for anyone to understand other than the person who invented it.
The iDrive is no exception. Basically I now have a computer mouse in my car. By scrolling up and down, side to side and clicking various links on the iDrive screen, I can change radio stations, control the air conditioning, change the time zone or wrap my vehicle around a light pole because my eyes were on the iDrive screen as opposed to the road.
The iDrive also controls the on-board navigation system. When I click “navigation,” a flashing icon on a map shows me precisely where my car is and can even program directions to a nearby destination. When I do this, the vehicle begins speaking to me.
I mean it actually speaks to me. A perky female voice enters the car and verbally gives me step-by-step directions, often saying things that give new meaning to the word “obvious.”
“Continue driving on the road.”
As opposed to driving through a building.
“Make a legal U-turn.”
She says that when I decide to take a shortcut that only I know about. I’m a guy after all.
“In two and a quarter miles, bear right.”
Two and a quarter miles? Thanks for the early warning. I just spent the last two miles trying to figure out how to get the iDrive to wash my windows.
I thought the woman inside my iDrive was pretty cool until recently, when I realized BMW sold me the laziest talking iDrive system in the world. I live in a neighborhood near a major interstate that was recently extended with federal funds. These are the same kind of funds that President Obama says will be readily available to put Americans back to work “building roads and repairing bridges.”
I question his plan only because I don’t know anybody who knows how to build a road or a bridge. Most of my unemployed friends are salesmen and, like me, are useless when it comes to building anything.
The extension is now open to traffic. Problem is, I purchased my BMW with iDrive and talking female companion before the work was completed. Therefore, the software doesn’t feature the new section of road.
As a result, whenever I enter this new piece of roadway, the screen in my iDrive shows my car driving over a cliff. I have driven over this cliff at least a dozen times.
Not once did Miss Know it All say ANYTHING.
That’s right. Nada. Not, “the road ends in one mile,” or “make a U-turn, even if it’s illegal,” or “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” or “you are about to die.”
The least she could do is notify a local police department and let the dispatcher know that I’m about to cause myself great bodily harm. But noooo! She remains silent. Should I survive the impact, however, this gal is more than happy to locate a restaurant for me.
My point is that talking computers don’t have feelings. They don’t show passion or concern or respect. They provide limited instructions or information but have no idea how to improvise. Only humans can do that.
Has a voice prompt or voice-activated software ever solved a problem for you? Think about it. I can book a plane ticket simply by screaming my frequent flier number into the phone and letting America Airlines’ automated system do the rest. But what happens if I have a question about luggage? Or meal service? Or a lower fare? Suddenly the computer isn’t so smart and admits it by saying, “I’ll pass your information on to an agent.”
So if you’re an IBMer and you are reading this, stop working on the talking carrot system. We don’t want it. I’ve been eating carrots for 46 years counting the strained variety. They are always fresh, delicious and silent.
Instead, work on a system that lets us talk to each other. Using real words and not voice prompts. While you are at it, please convince my daughter that text messaging is the only form of communication. Verbal sounds work even better.
Let me know what you come up with. In the meantime, Phil Mickelson is about to putt.
Zzzzzzzzzz.
Monday, April 06, 2009
A crack crackdown
I am tired of looking at butt cracks.
Sorry to shock you with that opening sentence but Richard Haney, my first Northwestern journalism instructor, was adamant about the “strong lead.” Haney, rest his cantankerous soul, would have been proud of that one. I can almost hear him now.
Nice job Greg. (COUGH, WHEEZE, GASP) Short and to the point. Makes me want to read on.
Fact is, the exposed butt crack is everywhere. And I’m sick of it.
My breaking point occurred recently at a neighborhood ski outing. Four families sharing a cabin in Northwest Illinois. Kids of various ages running through the house dressed in their fashion of the day, which means plaid sweatpants and t-shirts for the girls. I didn’t really notice what the boys were wearing because I don’t have boys. But boy’s fashions haven’t really changed since the days of the Roman Empire, have they? If photos existed back then, you would have seen boys wearing Tom Brady jerseys and jeans under their armor.
Girls, on the other hand, change their styles as often as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie change their family makeup. The hair gets more colorful, the shirts get tighter and the pants get lower. I try not to notice, except when it’s my own daughter, but I couldn’t take it any longer when I observed one of my daughter’s friends, also 12, eating a bowl of cereal one morning while standing in the kitchen. Her back was to me and the aforementioned plaid sweatpants were creeping down lower and lower until I saw it. Her butt crack.
I tried to avert my eyes, as there is definitely something wrong with a 46-year-old man staring at a 12-year-old’s butt. I wanted this nightmare to be over. “Please, please cover that up,” I thought. “Pull up your pants. I mean it.”
As if my thoughts had been relayed to her by psychic powers, she put her cereal bowl down and nonchalantly reached around to the back of her waist.
“Thank God,” I thought. “She must have felt the breeze.”
With both hands now firmly in place, she gave a yank and pulled her sweatpants…DOWN! That’s right, she went in the OPPOSITE direction, pulling south instead of north. Apparently she realized that her crack was about to be COVERED UP. Oh, the horror!
She resumed eating her breakfast while I went into the bathroom to regurgitate mine.
Why is this happening? Why is the butt crack suddenly a fashion statement? I thought exposing your butt crack meant you had to have a plumbing license. Now butt cracks are as visible as the crack of dawn. My most recent encounter came only yesterday when a 40-something woman was re-tying her shoes after retrieving them from the airport security scanner. As numerous passengers reached over her to get their belongings, she casually bent down and …HELLOOOO!
Whenever something puzzles me, I turn to the two most accurate sources of information in today’s society: Wikipedia and Google.
I typed “butt crack” into Google, unsure whether or not to insert a space between “butt” and “crack.” I believe two words are correct because “butt crack” resulted in 2,450,000 hits while “buttcrack” netted only 661,000. Also, the Microsoft spell checker feels a space is necessary so now I’m convinced.
The first hit led me to Flickr, the photo sharing service, which actually contains a folder called “buttcrack clusters.” Have a picture of a crack? Send it to Flickr and share it with the world! Note: You can also put it in the “butt,” “booty,” “arse” and “crack” groups if you are so inclined.
Other hits lead me to photos of what were purported to be various celebrity butt cracks including Britney Spears’ and Kim Kardashian’s. Sandwiched in the middle was a hit for a 1998 film called simply, “Buttcrack.” A comedy horror story, according to the Internet Movie Database, it tells the tale of a “gun-totin', Bible-thumpin' Preacher Man Bob (who) must right the universal karma accidentally set wrong when Brian inadvertently kills his obnoxious butt-cleavaged roommate, Wade.”
Must have missed that one at the multiplex.
Speaking of cinema, I did click on a semi-funny YouTube video that spoofed Google Earth by showing the technology honing in on a man’s butt crack as he worked in his backyard garden. While humorous, it still forced me to look at a butt crack.
Wikipedia takes a more clinical approach. Type “butt crack” into its search engine and an entry for gluteal cleft appears along with the following definition: “the groove or crack between the buttocks that runs from just below the sacrum to the perineum, so named because it forms the visible between the external rounded protrusions of the gluteus maximus muscles.”
But you probably knew that, didn’t you?
The gluteal cleft entry also contained a photo of an anonymous butt crack. Just think, right now somebody is walking around completely unaware that his or her (from the photo, it looks to be “his”) crack is on display in the world’s largest free encyclopedia.
Many of you probably feel I am overreacting. After all, everyone is born with a cr- er gluteal cleft. Television commercials for diapers and baby powder routinely show naked toddlers romping before the camera, cracks fully exposed.
I’m okay with that but only because baby’s cracks look the same. Face it, when you’re born, the playing field is level.
But like everything else in this world, cracks eventually turn into the “haves” and the “have nots.” My brother-in-law’s home contains a black and white poster of a woman stepping out of a shower, back to the camera. Her butt, if I may be so bold, is PERFECT. And when I say perfect, I mean everything, including the crack. Small, shallow and indiscrete, almost as if God had said, “Oh yeah, I almost forgot to add this. Here you go.”
But even if I encountered this woman’s crack at airport security, I would still want her to cover it simply because it encourages others who think they have good looking cracks to expose them. Some women have great breasts. But you don’t see fully exposed breasts in airports, do you?
It appears I am not alone in my skittishness with the crack. I expanded my Google inquiry by typing “but crack fashion statement” and was greeted with the following discussion thread from Yahoo Answers:
Question: If I’m gonna show butt crack via low rise jeans, how much should I show?
Answer: I really hope this is a joke. You shouldn't get pants that are low enough to show your crack. I don't know of anyone that considers it sexy, so please try to avoid it!
Answer: None.
Answer: You are a stupid slut.
You know who else shares my anti-crack sentiment? Tennessee state Representative Joe Towns, D-Memphis, who recently introduced a bill outlawing pants that fall below the waist.
“I call it the anti-crack bill,” Towns told the Knoxville News.
Specifically, the bill states it is “an offense for any person to knowingly wear pants below the person's waistline, in a public place, in a manner that exposes the person's underwear or bare buttocks.”
Still want to show your crack in Tennessee? If Towns’ bill becomes law, it could cost you $200 and 40 hours of community service. Hopefully that community service will be something other than picking up trash, as that would require bending over, thereby defeating the entire purpose.
I applaud Rep. Towns for taking the crack issue to the state level. I doubt it will get any higher as it appears President Obama has enough on his plate right now. But at least it’s a start. I’d be happy to spend some time in Tennessee if it meant I didn’t have to look at cracks during the entire visit. Heck, I might even purchase some fireworks and bootleg whiskey, both of which are readily available in that state.
Until we hear if Towns’ law is even constitutional, I suggest everybody conduct a “self crack” test, much like women do self breast exams and men feel their private areas for any sign of testicular cancer. It’s very simple and takes only a few seconds:
1) Put on your favorite pair of pants
2) Bend at the knees while reaching a finger around to your gluteal cleft area
3) Now bend at the waist and do the same thing
4) If you felt anything other than skin while performing steps two and three, get some new pants
Thank you. In the meantime, my daughter is having a sleepover this weekend with 15 of her friends.
I won’t be there.
Sorry to shock you with that opening sentence but Richard Haney, my first Northwestern journalism instructor, was adamant about the “strong lead.” Haney, rest his cantankerous soul, would have been proud of that one. I can almost hear him now.
Nice job Greg. (COUGH, WHEEZE, GASP) Short and to the point. Makes me want to read on.
Fact is, the exposed butt crack is everywhere. And I’m sick of it.
My breaking point occurred recently at a neighborhood ski outing. Four families sharing a cabin in Northwest Illinois. Kids of various ages running through the house dressed in their fashion of the day, which means plaid sweatpants and t-shirts for the girls. I didn’t really notice what the boys were wearing because I don’t have boys. But boy’s fashions haven’t really changed since the days of the Roman Empire, have they? If photos existed back then, you would have seen boys wearing Tom Brady jerseys and jeans under their armor.
Girls, on the other hand, change their styles as often as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie change their family makeup. The hair gets more colorful, the shirts get tighter and the pants get lower. I try not to notice, except when it’s my own daughter, but I couldn’t take it any longer when I observed one of my daughter’s friends, also 12, eating a bowl of cereal one morning while standing in the kitchen. Her back was to me and the aforementioned plaid sweatpants were creeping down lower and lower until I saw it. Her butt crack.
I tried to avert my eyes, as there is definitely something wrong with a 46-year-old man staring at a 12-year-old’s butt. I wanted this nightmare to be over. “Please, please cover that up,” I thought. “Pull up your pants. I mean it.”
As if my thoughts had been relayed to her by psychic powers, she put her cereal bowl down and nonchalantly reached around to the back of her waist.
“Thank God,” I thought. “She must have felt the breeze.”
With both hands now firmly in place, she gave a yank and pulled her sweatpants…DOWN! That’s right, she went in the OPPOSITE direction, pulling south instead of north. Apparently she realized that her crack was about to be COVERED UP. Oh, the horror!
She resumed eating her breakfast while I went into the bathroom to regurgitate mine.
Why is this happening? Why is the butt crack suddenly a fashion statement? I thought exposing your butt crack meant you had to have a plumbing license. Now butt cracks are as visible as the crack of dawn. My most recent encounter came only yesterday when a 40-something woman was re-tying her shoes after retrieving them from the airport security scanner. As numerous passengers reached over her to get their belongings, she casually bent down and …HELLOOOO!
Whenever something puzzles me, I turn to the two most accurate sources of information in today’s society: Wikipedia and Google.
I typed “butt crack” into Google, unsure whether or not to insert a space between “butt” and “crack.” I believe two words are correct because “butt crack” resulted in 2,450,000 hits while “buttcrack” netted only 661,000. Also, the Microsoft spell checker feels a space is necessary so now I’m convinced.
The first hit led me to Flickr, the photo sharing service, which actually contains a folder called “buttcrack clusters.” Have a picture of a crack? Send it to Flickr and share it with the world! Note: You can also put it in the “butt,” “booty,” “arse” and “crack” groups if you are so inclined.
Other hits lead me to photos of what were purported to be various celebrity butt cracks including Britney Spears’ and Kim Kardashian’s. Sandwiched in the middle was a hit for a 1998 film called simply, “Buttcrack.” A comedy horror story, according to the Internet Movie Database, it tells the tale of a “gun-totin', Bible-thumpin' Preacher Man Bob (who) must right the universal karma accidentally set wrong when Brian inadvertently kills his obnoxious butt-cleavaged roommate, Wade.”
Must have missed that one at the multiplex.
Speaking of cinema, I did click on a semi-funny YouTube video that spoofed Google Earth by showing the technology honing in on a man’s butt crack as he worked in his backyard garden. While humorous, it still forced me to look at a butt crack.
Wikipedia takes a more clinical approach. Type “butt crack” into its search engine and an entry for gluteal cleft appears along with the following definition: “the groove or crack between the buttocks that runs from just below the sacrum to the perineum, so named because it forms the visible between the external rounded protrusions of the gluteus maximus muscles.”
But you probably knew that, didn’t you?
The gluteal cleft entry also contained a photo of an anonymous butt crack. Just think, right now somebody is walking around completely unaware that his or her (from the photo, it looks to be “his”) crack is on display in the world’s largest free encyclopedia.
Many of you probably feel I am overreacting. After all, everyone is born with a cr- er gluteal cleft. Television commercials for diapers and baby powder routinely show naked toddlers romping before the camera, cracks fully exposed.
I’m okay with that but only because baby’s cracks look the same. Face it, when you’re born, the playing field is level.
But like everything else in this world, cracks eventually turn into the “haves” and the “have nots.” My brother-in-law’s home contains a black and white poster of a woman stepping out of a shower, back to the camera. Her butt, if I may be so bold, is PERFECT. And when I say perfect, I mean everything, including the crack. Small, shallow and indiscrete, almost as if God had said, “Oh yeah, I almost forgot to add this. Here you go.”
But even if I encountered this woman’s crack at airport security, I would still want her to cover it simply because it encourages others who think they have good looking cracks to expose them. Some women have great breasts. But you don’t see fully exposed breasts in airports, do you?
It appears I am not alone in my skittishness with the crack. I expanded my Google inquiry by typing “but crack fashion statement” and was greeted with the following discussion thread from Yahoo Answers:
Question: If I’m gonna show butt crack via low rise jeans, how much should I show?
Answer: I really hope this is a joke. You shouldn't get pants that are low enough to show your crack. I don't know of anyone that considers it sexy, so please try to avoid it!
Answer: None.
Answer: You are a stupid slut.
You know who else shares my anti-crack sentiment? Tennessee state Representative Joe Towns, D-Memphis, who recently introduced a bill outlawing pants that fall below the waist.
“I call it the anti-crack bill,” Towns told the Knoxville News.
Specifically, the bill states it is “an offense for any person to knowingly wear pants below the person's waistline, in a public place, in a manner that exposes the person's underwear or bare buttocks.”
Still want to show your crack in Tennessee? If Towns’ bill becomes law, it could cost you $200 and 40 hours of community service. Hopefully that community service will be something other than picking up trash, as that would require bending over, thereby defeating the entire purpose.
I applaud Rep. Towns for taking the crack issue to the state level. I doubt it will get any higher as it appears President Obama has enough on his plate right now. But at least it’s a start. I’d be happy to spend some time in Tennessee if it meant I didn’t have to look at cracks during the entire visit. Heck, I might even purchase some fireworks and bootleg whiskey, both of which are readily available in that state.
Until we hear if Towns’ law is even constitutional, I suggest everybody conduct a “self crack” test, much like women do self breast exams and men feel their private areas for any sign of testicular cancer. It’s very simple and takes only a few seconds:
1) Put on your favorite pair of pants
2) Bend at the knees while reaching a finger around to your gluteal cleft area
3) Now bend at the waist and do the same thing
4) If you felt anything other than skin while performing steps two and three, get some new pants
Thank you. In the meantime, my daughter is having a sleepover this weekend with 15 of her friends.
I won’t be there.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
My advice for the president at G20
President Obama heads to the G20 summit today, a move that is being looked upon with great anticipation by everybody, particularly the staff of Air Force One. After all, the guy has never been on the plane for this long. I know I get cranky when I fly internationally.
This marks the president’s first chance to hobnob with other world leaders, most of whom he has never met. So far his only “foreign” trip has been to Canada and that doesn’t really count. Most Americans who go to Canada these days are just trying to get out of Detroit any way they can.
Some critics fear that, because of the president’s popularity, any serious financial discussions will turn into “The Barack Obama show.” I disagree only because I think the world economy has gotten past the point of “serious financial discussion.” That ended the moment CEOs from the Big Three automakers admitted they flew to Washington on corporate jets. Now discussing the world’s economic situation usually begins and ends with giggles.
That aside, I think the G20 will be a chance for Obama to score some serious points on the world stage. For one thing, he’s a tall guy which will make him look powerful in group photo ops. Any time I see photos of world leaders standing together, I always think the tall ones command the most respect. President Bush was tall and he looked extremely powerful standing next to his shorter European counterparts. Of course that perception ended the instant he opened his mouth.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel doesn’t stand a chance at the G20. From what I’ve seen, she looks to be about 4’9” in heels. She’s liable to be mistaken as a member of the catering staff.
Besides Merkel, leaders from the following countries will be attending: Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, France, India, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, South Korea, Turkey, the United Kingdom and the Czech Republic. The last time these leaders were in the same room was the day Michael Phelps swam for his eighth gold medal and they all managed to score tickets.
The “who’s who” of world leaders gives Obama a great chance to get to know everybody in a very short time. Obama, we all know, is a skilled communicator and conversationalist. We know that from watching his recent appearances on 60 Minutes, The Tonight Show, ESPN, The Bachelor, Survivor, Extreme White House Makeover and “I’m the President! Get Me Out of Here!” But in case he gets tongue tied, I have compiled a list of “ice breaker” questions and opening lines when he approaches each head of state during a meeting, in line at the bar, the bathroom or wherever. Here you go, Mr. President. Don’t forget, jokes work too!
Gordon Brown, UK - “If all the Beatles were still alive, do you think they would have played at my inauguration?”
Dr. Manmohan Singh, India - “Do you see the day when residents of your country will call residents of my country to get their computers fixed?”
Angela Merkel, Germany - “Germans really seem to enjoy beer. Are you currently drunk?”
Kevin Rudd , Australia - “I don’t have to ask. I KNOW you’re drunk.”
Taro Aso, Japan - “Please let me know when the new Wii comes out. Sasha and Malia have been asking.”
Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brazil - “If it comes down to Chicago vs. Rio de Janiero for the 2016 Olympics, let’s settle it with a game of H-O-R-S-E.”
Hu Jiutao, China - “If the United States borrows one billion dollars from your country, will we feel broke again in 20 minutes?”
Kgalema Motlanthe, South Africa – “I’m half black and half white. I’ll bet that freaks out people in your country.”
King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud, Saudi Arabia - “We’re at about $2.13 a gallon. What are you paying?”
Roh Moo Hyun, South Korea – “Is there a television show in your country called Seoul Train?”
Romano Prodi, Italy – “Any idea when the Pope might be visiting the White House? I’ll need to make sure the Rev. Jeremiah Wright doesn’t pick the same weekend.”
Nicolas Sarkozy, France – “Think Lance Armstrong stands a chance this year?”
Felipe Calderon, Mexico – “We will send federal troops to help eradicate your country of drugs. If that doesn’t work, we’ll send college students.”
Dimitry Medvedev, Russia - “Seriously, what did you do with Gorbachev?”
Abdullah Gul, Turkey – “Tell me again why you’re here?”
Mirek Topolanek, Czech Republic - “What do you call it when two Czechoslovakian families get together? Czechs Mix!”
Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, Indonesia – “Did you notice that Topolanek guy has no sense of humor?”
Stephen Harper, Canada – “We’ve already met. Catch you later.”
This marks the president’s first chance to hobnob with other world leaders, most of whom he has never met. So far his only “foreign” trip has been to Canada and that doesn’t really count. Most Americans who go to Canada these days are just trying to get out of Detroit any way they can.
Some critics fear that, because of the president’s popularity, any serious financial discussions will turn into “The Barack Obama show.” I disagree only because I think the world economy has gotten past the point of “serious financial discussion.” That ended the moment CEOs from the Big Three automakers admitted they flew to Washington on corporate jets. Now discussing the world’s economic situation usually begins and ends with giggles.
That aside, I think the G20 will be a chance for Obama to score some serious points on the world stage. For one thing, he’s a tall guy which will make him look powerful in group photo ops. Any time I see photos of world leaders standing together, I always think the tall ones command the most respect. President Bush was tall and he looked extremely powerful standing next to his shorter European counterparts. Of course that perception ended the instant he opened his mouth.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel doesn’t stand a chance at the G20. From what I’ve seen, she looks to be about 4’9” in heels. She’s liable to be mistaken as a member of the catering staff.
Besides Merkel, leaders from the following countries will be attending: Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, France, India, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, South Korea, Turkey, the United Kingdom and the Czech Republic. The last time these leaders were in the same room was the day Michael Phelps swam for his eighth gold medal and they all managed to score tickets.
The “who’s who” of world leaders gives Obama a great chance to get to know everybody in a very short time. Obama, we all know, is a skilled communicator and conversationalist. We know that from watching his recent appearances on 60 Minutes, The Tonight Show, ESPN, The Bachelor, Survivor, Extreme White House Makeover and “I’m the President! Get Me Out of Here!” But in case he gets tongue tied, I have compiled a list of “ice breaker” questions and opening lines when he approaches each head of state during a meeting, in line at the bar, the bathroom or wherever. Here you go, Mr. President. Don’t forget, jokes work too!
Gordon Brown, UK - “If all the Beatles were still alive, do you think they would have played at my inauguration?”
Dr. Manmohan Singh, India - “Do you see the day when residents of your country will call residents of my country to get their computers fixed?”
Angela Merkel, Germany - “Germans really seem to enjoy beer. Are you currently drunk?”
Kevin Rudd , Australia - “I don’t have to ask. I KNOW you’re drunk.”
Taro Aso, Japan - “Please let me know when the new Wii comes out. Sasha and Malia have been asking.”
Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brazil - “If it comes down to Chicago vs. Rio de Janiero for the 2016 Olympics, let’s settle it with a game of H-O-R-S-E.”
Hu Jiutao, China - “If the United States borrows one billion dollars from your country, will we feel broke again in 20 minutes?”
Kgalema Motlanthe, South Africa – “I’m half black and half white. I’ll bet that freaks out people in your country.”
King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud, Saudi Arabia - “We’re at about $2.13 a gallon. What are you paying?”
Roh Moo Hyun, South Korea – “Is there a television show in your country called Seoul Train?”
Romano Prodi, Italy – “Any idea when the Pope might be visiting the White House? I’ll need to make sure the Rev. Jeremiah Wright doesn’t pick the same weekend.”
Nicolas Sarkozy, France – “Think Lance Armstrong stands a chance this year?”
Felipe Calderon, Mexico – “We will send federal troops to help eradicate your country of drugs. If that doesn’t work, we’ll send college students.”
Dimitry Medvedev, Russia - “Seriously, what did you do with Gorbachev?”
Abdullah Gul, Turkey – “Tell me again why you’re here?”
Mirek Topolanek, Czech Republic - “What do you call it when two Czechoslovakian families get together? Czechs Mix!”
Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, Indonesia – “Did you notice that Topolanek guy has no sense of humor?”
Stephen Harper, Canada – “We’ve already met. Catch you later.”
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
It's story time!
President Obama’s main theme these days seems to be action. We must become a nation of “doers,” of people who seize the day. We must volunteer, get involved, be self-starters and chart our own destinies.
President Obama obviously knows nothing about the Kindle.
The Kindle is threatening to do to books what the iPod did to music. It’s currently the “must have” gadget of people with disposable income. (Note: At last count, there were approximately 347 people living in America with disposable income. And that’s before the market opened today).
Amazon.com developed the Kindle. I was shocked when I read that because I never realized Amazon.com developed anything. I thought Amazon.com just sold stuff that other companies developed and took a commission. But apparently deep within the warehouses of Amazon lies a team of developers who recently looked at the millions of books piling up on the shelves and said, “there’s gotta be a better way.”
Behold, the Kindle!
The Kindle is a gadget about the size of a paperback book that lets users download books electronically – approximately 1,500 books in case you are wondering.
Now I consider myself a voracious reader but I’m not sure I’ve read 1,500 books in my life, and that’s counting See Spot Run and the entire Dr. Seuss library. If I read a book a month - no small feat considering the January issue of Sports Illustrated is still sitting on my nightstand untouched - it would still take me 125 years to complete the Kindle library. Which makes me wonder why, just 14 months after introducing the Kindle, Amazon.com has launched the Kindle 2. Surely nobody wore out their Kindle by now, did they?
But like every electronics manufacturer, Amazon wanted the Kindle to be bigger, better and pricier. And apparently it is. According to the Amazon website, the Kindle 2 boasts 25 PERCENT LONGER BATTERY LIFE and 20 PERCENT FASTER PAGE TURNS, WHATEVER THAT MEANS!
Okay, I know what it means because I sat next to a passenger on a recent flight who was “reading” the Kindle. About every 20 seconds he pushed a button on the side of the screen. Numerous shades of gray words dissolved and were replaced by other numerous gray words. In Kindle terms, that signifies a “page turn.”
In spite of the sarcasm I’m heaping upon the Kindle, I actually can see the benefits of owning one, particularly since I’m a road warrior. My briefcase always contains my laptop, some business cards, a few contracts and my set list for whatever stand-up comedy gig I happen to be traveling to. But when I sling my bag over my shoulder, I literally hear bones crunching, cartilage shifting and joints creaking. The extra weight comes from all the magazines that I subscribe to yet never have time to read at home. Therefore, I shove them into the bag and try and read all of them before the plane touches down in Los Angeles, Columbus, Orlando or wherever. As I write this, there are still back issues of Sports Illustrated, Entertainment Weekly and Rolling Stone in my briefcase. Suffice it to say that I prefer “light” reading on airplanes. If I see somebody on a plane reading The New Republic or the New England Journal of Medicine, I know it’s best to leave that person alone.
So I thought the Kindle would be a cool purchase. I could download all those magazines into one 10 ounce, quarter of an inch wide gadget. I’d stuff the latest Harry Potter novel in there as well. If the plane was delayed and I was sitting on the runway for hours, I could sample other books on my short list including A Thousand Splendid Suns, The Lovely Bones, Tuesdays with Morrie and Born Standing Up. These books would live inside Kindle the same way 15 unwatched episodes of Friday Night Lights live inside my Tivo. I’d never be bored again!
I went to Amazon’s website and pulled up the Kindle. Actually, there’s no need to pull up the Kindle. It is such a popular item that it literally leaps off the screen as soon as you enter the site. My mouse hovered over the “add to shopping cart” icon as I read the features. Okay, the battery life issue was a bit disconcerting. Although the Kindle 2 boasts “25 percent more battery life,” I’d still hate to see the Kindle shut down right in the middle of a Voldemort vs. Harry Potter duel. Also, TEACHERS BEWARE: YOUR STUDENTS NO LONGER WILL REPORT THAT THE DOG ATE THEIR HOMEWORK. INSTEAD, THEY WILL SAY, “MY KINDLE DIED.”
Still, I figured I could live with the battery issue. Hey, what’s one more adapter in my briefcase? I read on. The site featured UR, a Stephen King novel “written exclusively for Kindle.” How a novel can be written exclusively for anything is beyond me. It’s the same words, right? General Motors never developed a car “exclusively for middle-aged men with large bank accounts and low self-esteem.” Wait a minute. Porsche did.
I continued reading, still ready to whip out my credit card and start filling in the fields. Then I saw it. The feature that throws Obama’s “seize the day, be a self starter, yes we can” theme out the window.
The Kindle actually reads to you.
I’m not kidding.
The minds at Amazon have added some weird feature called, simply, “read-to-me.” According to the website, Kindle can read every newspaper, magazine, blog, and book out loud to you, unless the feature is “disabled by the rights holder,” which is another phrase for “unless you drop it.”
The Kindle video on the Amazon website says the read-to-me feature is great for when the user wants to “take a break” from reading. The video showed a woman on the beach who was enjoying reading the Kindle and then, for reasons unknown, decided to pop in her headphones and be read to. A computer-driven voice took over the task, spewing out words in a voice that sounded like one emanating from that reel-to-reel film projector that was wheeled into my eighth-grade science class. You know the one? It always broke down before the film ended and had to be repaired by one of three kids in the school AV club.
Sure the concept of being read to is nothing new. Books on tape have been around for years. But I never bought into the idea of buying a book and listening to it while driving. Maybe it’s because I don’t drive that far and it would take forever for James Earl Jones to tell me which diabolical lawyer was behind the latest John Grisham crime.
The Kindle 2 just seems different. Maybe the “2” in Kindle 2 stands for two years old because that’s what I would probably feel like if a computer gadget started to read to me and even turned the pages. I’d feel like I should be sitting Indian style on a rug somewhere, poking somebody while waiting for snack time.
I truly had high hopes for us as a nation of readers. J.K. Rowling’s books had kids putting down the remote and reading. Oprah’s Book Club shot unknown authors to the top of the bestseller lists and thrust their books into the hands of millions. The books were actually read by- as opposed to read to - Oprah’s followers.
Now what’s going to happen?
If we all get used to being read to, what will happen to book clubs? Instead of meeting monthly at a member’s house to actually discuss the book, why not just gather ‘round the Kindle while it tells the story? Bring some booze since your hands are now free!
What about libraries? I’ve always loved the idea of entering a library and hoping that a book I really wanted was not checked out. If it truly is on the shelf, I feel victorious, as if I had found a piece of buried treasure before anybody else discovered it. Hey, you wanna read this book? Get in line buddy ‘cause it’s MINE!
Plus libraries allow you to check out books for free. As far as I can tell, ain’t nothing free on the Kindle. You pay for everything you download. Books, magazines, even newspapers such as USA Today. I always thought USA Today was a free newspaper that showed up outside my hotel room door. Not according to Amazon.
I wish technology would make up its mind. Do we want to do things ourselves or do we want everything done for us? We pump our own gas, bag our groceries, and check ourselves in at airports. We’ve learned to bank on line, book our own plane tickets and program our DVD players without help.
But has that truly made us a better society? Or a smarter one? Sure we all know how to use Microsoft Word but the spell checker has turned us into a nation of lousy spellers. Can’t balance your checkbook? No need to if you’ve got Quicken. Can’t play an instrument? Buy GarageBand from Apple.
I have two girls that inherited their dad’s love for reading. My sixth grader would rather get a Barnes & Noble gift card than an iTunes card for her birthday. I’m told my first grader reads at a sixth grade level. But both also are growing up in a world of burgeoning technology and that bothers me. In six years, when my eldest heads off to college, it’s quite possible the Kindle will be in her luggage, ready to download every textbook on her course list.
God, I hope she actually reads them.
President Obama obviously knows nothing about the Kindle.
The Kindle is threatening to do to books what the iPod did to music. It’s currently the “must have” gadget of people with disposable income. (Note: At last count, there were approximately 347 people living in America with disposable income. And that’s before the market opened today).
Amazon.com developed the Kindle. I was shocked when I read that because I never realized Amazon.com developed anything. I thought Amazon.com just sold stuff that other companies developed and took a commission. But apparently deep within the warehouses of Amazon lies a team of developers who recently looked at the millions of books piling up on the shelves and said, “there’s gotta be a better way.”
Behold, the Kindle!
The Kindle is a gadget about the size of a paperback book that lets users download books electronically – approximately 1,500 books in case you are wondering.
Now I consider myself a voracious reader but I’m not sure I’ve read 1,500 books in my life, and that’s counting See Spot Run and the entire Dr. Seuss library. If I read a book a month - no small feat considering the January issue of Sports Illustrated is still sitting on my nightstand untouched - it would still take me 125 years to complete the Kindle library. Which makes me wonder why, just 14 months after introducing the Kindle, Amazon.com has launched the Kindle 2. Surely nobody wore out their Kindle by now, did they?
But like every electronics manufacturer, Amazon wanted the Kindle to be bigger, better and pricier. And apparently it is. According to the Amazon website, the Kindle 2 boasts 25 PERCENT LONGER BATTERY LIFE and 20 PERCENT FASTER PAGE TURNS, WHATEVER THAT MEANS!
Okay, I know what it means because I sat next to a passenger on a recent flight who was “reading” the Kindle. About every 20 seconds he pushed a button on the side of the screen. Numerous shades of gray words dissolved and were replaced by other numerous gray words. In Kindle terms, that signifies a “page turn.”
In spite of the sarcasm I’m heaping upon the Kindle, I actually can see the benefits of owning one, particularly since I’m a road warrior. My briefcase always contains my laptop, some business cards, a few contracts and my set list for whatever stand-up comedy gig I happen to be traveling to. But when I sling my bag over my shoulder, I literally hear bones crunching, cartilage shifting and joints creaking. The extra weight comes from all the magazines that I subscribe to yet never have time to read at home. Therefore, I shove them into the bag and try and read all of them before the plane touches down in Los Angeles, Columbus, Orlando or wherever. As I write this, there are still back issues of Sports Illustrated, Entertainment Weekly and Rolling Stone in my briefcase. Suffice it to say that I prefer “light” reading on airplanes. If I see somebody on a plane reading The New Republic or the New England Journal of Medicine, I know it’s best to leave that person alone.
So I thought the Kindle would be a cool purchase. I could download all those magazines into one 10 ounce, quarter of an inch wide gadget. I’d stuff the latest Harry Potter novel in there as well. If the plane was delayed and I was sitting on the runway for hours, I could sample other books on my short list including A Thousand Splendid Suns, The Lovely Bones, Tuesdays with Morrie and Born Standing Up. These books would live inside Kindle the same way 15 unwatched episodes of Friday Night Lights live inside my Tivo. I’d never be bored again!
I went to Amazon’s website and pulled up the Kindle. Actually, there’s no need to pull up the Kindle. It is such a popular item that it literally leaps off the screen as soon as you enter the site. My mouse hovered over the “add to shopping cart” icon as I read the features. Okay, the battery life issue was a bit disconcerting. Although the Kindle 2 boasts “25 percent more battery life,” I’d still hate to see the Kindle shut down right in the middle of a Voldemort vs. Harry Potter duel. Also, TEACHERS BEWARE: YOUR STUDENTS NO LONGER WILL REPORT THAT THE DOG ATE THEIR HOMEWORK. INSTEAD, THEY WILL SAY, “MY KINDLE DIED.”
Still, I figured I could live with the battery issue. Hey, what’s one more adapter in my briefcase? I read on. The site featured UR, a Stephen King novel “written exclusively for Kindle.” How a novel can be written exclusively for anything is beyond me. It’s the same words, right? General Motors never developed a car “exclusively for middle-aged men with large bank accounts and low self-esteem.” Wait a minute. Porsche did.
I continued reading, still ready to whip out my credit card and start filling in the fields. Then I saw it. The feature that throws Obama’s “seize the day, be a self starter, yes we can” theme out the window.
The Kindle actually reads to you.
I’m not kidding.
The minds at Amazon have added some weird feature called, simply, “read-to-me.” According to the website, Kindle can read every newspaper, magazine, blog, and book out loud to you, unless the feature is “disabled by the rights holder,” which is another phrase for “unless you drop it.”
The Kindle video on the Amazon website says the read-to-me feature is great for when the user wants to “take a break” from reading. The video showed a woman on the beach who was enjoying reading the Kindle and then, for reasons unknown, decided to pop in her headphones and be read to. A computer-driven voice took over the task, spewing out words in a voice that sounded like one emanating from that reel-to-reel film projector that was wheeled into my eighth-grade science class. You know the one? It always broke down before the film ended and had to be repaired by one of three kids in the school AV club.
Sure the concept of being read to is nothing new. Books on tape have been around for years. But I never bought into the idea of buying a book and listening to it while driving. Maybe it’s because I don’t drive that far and it would take forever for James Earl Jones to tell me which diabolical lawyer was behind the latest John Grisham crime.
The Kindle 2 just seems different. Maybe the “2” in Kindle 2 stands for two years old because that’s what I would probably feel like if a computer gadget started to read to me and even turned the pages. I’d feel like I should be sitting Indian style on a rug somewhere, poking somebody while waiting for snack time.
I truly had high hopes for us as a nation of readers. J.K. Rowling’s books had kids putting down the remote and reading. Oprah’s Book Club shot unknown authors to the top of the bestseller lists and thrust their books into the hands of millions. The books were actually read by- as opposed to read to - Oprah’s followers.
Now what’s going to happen?
If we all get used to being read to, what will happen to book clubs? Instead of meeting monthly at a member’s house to actually discuss the book, why not just gather ‘round the Kindle while it tells the story? Bring some booze since your hands are now free!
What about libraries? I’ve always loved the idea of entering a library and hoping that a book I really wanted was not checked out. If it truly is on the shelf, I feel victorious, as if I had found a piece of buried treasure before anybody else discovered it. Hey, you wanna read this book? Get in line buddy ‘cause it’s MINE!
Plus libraries allow you to check out books for free. As far as I can tell, ain’t nothing free on the Kindle. You pay for everything you download. Books, magazines, even newspapers such as USA Today. I always thought USA Today was a free newspaper that showed up outside my hotel room door. Not according to Amazon.
I wish technology would make up its mind. Do we want to do things ourselves or do we want everything done for us? We pump our own gas, bag our groceries, and check ourselves in at airports. We’ve learned to bank on line, book our own plane tickets and program our DVD players without help.
But has that truly made us a better society? Or a smarter one? Sure we all know how to use Microsoft Word but the spell checker has turned us into a nation of lousy spellers. Can’t balance your checkbook? No need to if you’ve got Quicken. Can’t play an instrument? Buy GarageBand from Apple.
I have two girls that inherited their dad’s love for reading. My sixth grader would rather get a Barnes & Noble gift card than an iTunes card for her birthday. I’m told my first grader reads at a sixth grade level. But both also are growing up in a world of burgeoning technology and that bothers me. In six years, when my eldest heads off to college, it’s quite possible the Kindle will be in her luggage, ready to download every textbook on her course list.
God, I hope she actually reads them.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
The Obama-berry
I voted for President Obama even though I’m convinced he can’t solve all the crises currently facing this country. The current wrangling over the stimulus package is proof even though Obama has done a fine job of selling it, appearing everywhere but The View to bolster support.
Still, Obama has already proved he is a tough negotiator. For just hours after he took his hand off the Bible (twice), word came down that our new president had indeed triumphed in a very controversial debate.
He gets to keep his Blackberry.
Just in case the nation’s comedians are still searching for ways to poke fun at the nation’s first African-American president, look no more. The idea of Obama texting Michelle during boring Cabinet meetings, or consulting his calendar to see that, yes, today he is scheduled to meet with the Iranian president, is hilarious simply from a visual standpoint. Wait until things settle down in Washington and comedians actually start writing about the guy.
I was excited when I heard Obama was hooked on this device because it proved I had something in common with the leader of the free world. I had nothing in common with his predecessor. I never owned a baseball team, never lived on a ranch, never wore cowboy boots, never bombed a foreign country and never doubled the size of our national debt. Okay, there have been a few times that I didn’t pay my credit card balance in full. Does that count?
Obama admits to being a “crackberry,” meaning he is addicted to the annoying little device. I share this trait with him. I can’t do without my Blackberry for the following reasons:
1) I’m self employed
2) I travel extensively
3) I have no staff or secretary to handle my schedule for me
4) I feel comfortable knowing that I can get in touch with anybody at any time and vice versa. Yes, that means I might get a call at a restaurant or while coaching a Little League game but at least I know that a potential customer can always contact me.
Wait a minute. Now that I look at this list, it seems the only thing that Obama and I have in common is number two. As I write this, the news has broken that Obama has scheduled the first of what will be many overseas trips. Granted, it’s to Canada but that seems like a safe place to start. The last time I checked, we hadn’t deployed any troops to Vancouver or taken over a ski resort.
Seriously, why does Obama need a Blackberry? Unlike me, he’s not self-employed. He works for the U.S. Government, which currently is laying off employees at a slower pace than Boeing. Right now it seems like an okay place to work.
Furthermore, his job comes with a staff that is fairly efficient, even if they occasionally fail to conduct background checks on cabinet appointees for minor indiscretions such as FAILURE TO PAY INCOME TAX. But every time I see Obama, he’s got about five people attached to his hip. Six, if you count Vice President Biden. That staff makes sure our president is always in touch.
I looked at my Blackberry’s home screen and wondered which applications Obama might use. Text messaging? Doubtful. As I said, Obama’s whereabouts are known ALL THE TIME. Secretary of State Clinton will never have to frantically text “Where R U?” to the president.
Likewise, that makes his calendar function useless. When you’re the president, you don’t need to be reminded, via a vibration on your hip, that the president of Afghanistan is landing in two hours, the gun control bill is scheduled for debate and you have a parent-teacher conference. In fact, during the middle of a recent Obama speech in Fort Myers, he was handed a note saying the stimulus bill cleared the Senate. A note! Real Blackberry uses don’t use notes. They get IM’s and interrupt whatever they are doing to read them.
What about contacts? Somehow, I think the home, work and cell number for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi should be SOMEWHERE in the White House. Contacting her should not require Obama whipping out his Blackberry hours before a crucial vote and scrolling to the “P’s.”
Email? The White House has made a big deal out of proclaiming that Obama’s Blackberry will be, in the words of his advisors, “super duper secure” and will be limited to his “inner circle.” In today’s hack happy environment, we know that “inner circle” means Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Jimmy, an eight year old from Poughkeepsie, NY, who will soon penetrate Obama’s Blackberry simply to get extra credit in school. That’s going to happen and when it does, Obama’s email app will disappear faster than Osama bin Laden.
So what does that leave him with? Video? Voice recording? This is a man who is trailed by cameras and microphones 24 hours a day. If he wants a video clip, all he has to do is ask CNN for a dub. I believe the network’s policy is 50 bucks and a two-week wait.
Then I came to the final icon: GAMES. Now it made sense. The president of the United States must have some kick ass games on his Blackberry for it’s the only reason he truly needs it. My Blackberry came with something called Brickbreaker in which you try to bounce a little ball off a brick wall and destroy it. Rumor has it President Bush referred to Brickbreaker as a “weapon of mass destruction.”
I’m not a serious game player so I have resisted the urge to download other games for the Blackberry such as bowling, blackjack, hockey and god knows what else. But I suspect Obama has a few games on his device. In fact I suspect Obama, in addition to being the first African-American president, is also the first “gamer president.” I base this theory on three words:
Sasha and Malia.
Obama’s daughters are 10 and 7. My daughters are 11 and 6. It’s safe to assume the First Children play the same games that are so popular in the Schwem house. It’s also safe to assume that when the Obamas moved into their new White House digs, those games came with them. I highly doubt the girls left Guitar Hero in Chicago. It’s probably hooked up to a flat screen in the Lincoln Bedroom, much to the dismay of the White House curator.
Uh, Mr. President, our sixteenth president slept here. Might I suggest another room for the Wii?
My kids received Guitar Hero for Christmas and, although I’m not a gamer, I have used it as a stress reliever during working hours. It’s one of the advantages of working from home. Obama works from home as well which means all of Sasha and Malia’s high tech toys are at his disposal. Who knows? Guitar Hero may be just out the door and down the hall from the Oval Office. Obama played basketball on election day so I can easily see him strapping on a plastic guitar and pounding out licks to AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” just before discussing the auto bailout. Hopefully his children aren’t standing behind him saying, “Daddy, can I have a turn?”
Obama has made no secret of portraying himself as a hip president. The Blackberry is just one example although, if Obama were really hip, he’d have the iPhone. Still, a president who embraces technology like Obama is both cool and disconcerting. I’m fine with Obama keeping his Blackberry as long as it’s not a distraction. Right now we need a president who is focused at all times. George Bush was portrayed as aloof and he never carried a Blackberry. Obama’s passion for the device means he will have to resist the temptation to play games during Cabinet debates, subtly check football scores or worst of all, answer emails with the following subject line:
“Kim Jong II wants to be your friend on Facebook.”
Still, Obama has already proved he is a tough negotiator. For just hours after he took his hand off the Bible (twice), word came down that our new president had indeed triumphed in a very controversial debate.
He gets to keep his Blackberry.
Just in case the nation’s comedians are still searching for ways to poke fun at the nation’s first African-American president, look no more. The idea of Obama texting Michelle during boring Cabinet meetings, or consulting his calendar to see that, yes, today he is scheduled to meet with the Iranian president, is hilarious simply from a visual standpoint. Wait until things settle down in Washington and comedians actually start writing about the guy.
I was excited when I heard Obama was hooked on this device because it proved I had something in common with the leader of the free world. I had nothing in common with his predecessor. I never owned a baseball team, never lived on a ranch, never wore cowboy boots, never bombed a foreign country and never doubled the size of our national debt. Okay, there have been a few times that I didn’t pay my credit card balance in full. Does that count?
Obama admits to being a “crackberry,” meaning he is addicted to the annoying little device. I share this trait with him. I can’t do without my Blackberry for the following reasons:
1) I’m self employed
2) I travel extensively
3) I have no staff or secretary to handle my schedule for me
4) I feel comfortable knowing that I can get in touch with anybody at any time and vice versa. Yes, that means I might get a call at a restaurant or while coaching a Little League game but at least I know that a potential customer can always contact me.
Wait a minute. Now that I look at this list, it seems the only thing that Obama and I have in common is number two. As I write this, the news has broken that Obama has scheduled the first of what will be many overseas trips. Granted, it’s to Canada but that seems like a safe place to start. The last time I checked, we hadn’t deployed any troops to Vancouver or taken over a ski resort.
Seriously, why does Obama need a Blackberry? Unlike me, he’s not self-employed. He works for the U.S. Government, which currently is laying off employees at a slower pace than Boeing. Right now it seems like an okay place to work.
Furthermore, his job comes with a staff that is fairly efficient, even if they occasionally fail to conduct background checks on cabinet appointees for minor indiscretions such as FAILURE TO PAY INCOME TAX. But every time I see Obama, he’s got about five people attached to his hip. Six, if you count Vice President Biden. That staff makes sure our president is always in touch.
I looked at my Blackberry’s home screen and wondered which applications Obama might use. Text messaging? Doubtful. As I said, Obama’s whereabouts are known ALL THE TIME. Secretary of State Clinton will never have to frantically text “Where R U?” to the president.
Likewise, that makes his calendar function useless. When you’re the president, you don’t need to be reminded, via a vibration on your hip, that the president of Afghanistan is landing in two hours, the gun control bill is scheduled for debate and you have a parent-teacher conference. In fact, during the middle of a recent Obama speech in Fort Myers, he was handed a note saying the stimulus bill cleared the Senate. A note! Real Blackberry uses don’t use notes. They get IM’s and interrupt whatever they are doing to read them.
What about contacts? Somehow, I think the home, work and cell number for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi should be SOMEWHERE in the White House. Contacting her should not require Obama whipping out his Blackberry hours before a crucial vote and scrolling to the “P’s.”
Email? The White House has made a big deal out of proclaiming that Obama’s Blackberry will be, in the words of his advisors, “super duper secure” and will be limited to his “inner circle.” In today’s hack happy environment, we know that “inner circle” means Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Jimmy, an eight year old from Poughkeepsie, NY, who will soon penetrate Obama’s Blackberry simply to get extra credit in school. That’s going to happen and when it does, Obama’s email app will disappear faster than Osama bin Laden.
So what does that leave him with? Video? Voice recording? This is a man who is trailed by cameras and microphones 24 hours a day. If he wants a video clip, all he has to do is ask CNN for a dub. I believe the network’s policy is 50 bucks and a two-week wait.
Then I came to the final icon: GAMES. Now it made sense. The president of the United States must have some kick ass games on his Blackberry for it’s the only reason he truly needs it. My Blackberry came with something called Brickbreaker in which you try to bounce a little ball off a brick wall and destroy it. Rumor has it President Bush referred to Brickbreaker as a “weapon of mass destruction.”
I’m not a serious game player so I have resisted the urge to download other games for the Blackberry such as bowling, blackjack, hockey and god knows what else. But I suspect Obama has a few games on his device. In fact I suspect Obama, in addition to being the first African-American president, is also the first “gamer president.” I base this theory on three words:
Sasha and Malia.
Obama’s daughters are 10 and 7. My daughters are 11 and 6. It’s safe to assume the First Children play the same games that are so popular in the Schwem house. It’s also safe to assume that when the Obamas moved into their new White House digs, those games came with them. I highly doubt the girls left Guitar Hero in Chicago. It’s probably hooked up to a flat screen in the Lincoln Bedroom, much to the dismay of the White House curator.
Uh, Mr. President, our sixteenth president slept here. Might I suggest another room for the Wii?
My kids received Guitar Hero for Christmas and, although I’m not a gamer, I have used it as a stress reliever during working hours. It’s one of the advantages of working from home. Obama works from home as well which means all of Sasha and Malia’s high tech toys are at his disposal. Who knows? Guitar Hero may be just out the door and down the hall from the Oval Office. Obama played basketball on election day so I can easily see him strapping on a plastic guitar and pounding out licks to AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” just before discussing the auto bailout. Hopefully his children aren’t standing behind him saying, “Daddy, can I have a turn?”
Obama has made no secret of portraying himself as a hip president. The Blackberry is just one example although, if Obama were really hip, he’d have the iPhone. Still, a president who embraces technology like Obama is both cool and disconcerting. I’m fine with Obama keeping his Blackberry as long as it’s not a distraction. Right now we need a president who is focused at all times. George Bush was portrayed as aloof and he never carried a Blackberry. Obama’s passion for the device means he will have to resist the temptation to play games during Cabinet debates, subtly check football scores or worst of all, answer emails with the following subject line:
“Kim Jong II wants to be your friend on Facebook.”
Monday, January 26, 2009
Help! I've been furloughed!!
Last week I had dinner in Washington DC with some old cronies from my days as a South Florida journalist. Of the six who attended, two were still in the struggling newspaper business. One worked for Gannett, the world’s largest newspaper publisher, which recently announced that all employees would have to take a weeklong furlough.
In other words, a week of unemployment.
As our country grapples with the worst economic mess since (choose one):
A) The Great Depression
B) The Boston Tea Party
C) The New York Yankees
it’s amazing how the words used to describe unemployment have multiplied exponentially. While companies like Gannett “furlough,” others “tighten their belts” while others “realign” and still others engage in “selective reduction.”
I find the last one to be the most humiliating. Imagine coming into your boss’s office one morning and being told you have been selectively reduced. I’d leave with all the dignity of a chicken embryo.
According to Gannett chairman Craig Debow, the furlough was Gannett’s way of avoiding more layoffs for an industry that is losing customers and advertising dollars faster than Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is losing his sanity.
Note that Debow didn’t say the furlough would avoid layoffs. He said it would help avoid more layoffs. Yet my former co-worker seemed resigned to the probability that his furlough would eventually become permanent.
I tried to make light of an awkward moment.
“Maybe the furlough is just a chance for you to see whether you like being unemployed,” I said. “If not, just go to your bosses and say, ‘this unemployment thing isn’t for me. I’d really like to keep my job.’”
My friend laughed although I don’t think he found it funny. When you’re the one on the chopping block, it’s hard to laugh. More than eight percent of the current workforce can attest to that.
I don’t know what it’s like to be unemployed for I have never been fired. But I also can only vaguely remember what it’s like to have a normal job. In other words, a line of work that begins at 8, ends at 5, and usually involves sitting in traffic, a lame Christmas party and gossip.
For the past 20 years I have been self-employed. When you work for yourself, you constantly hover between having a job and being unemployed. If I perform my stand-up comedy routine for a corporation on a given day then yes, I’m employed. If I go seven days between gigs, then I guess you could say I’m unemployed. If I choose to spend those seven days combing the Internet looking for a company that could use a comedian at its next event, then I guess I’m in the job market.
I am also faced with, for the first time in several years, a work “slowdown.” The calendar is a bit leaner in 2009 than I would like. This puts me in a precarious position: Should I be thankful that at least I have SOME dates on my calendar and operate in a “business as usual” mode? Or should I assume that a work slowdown eventually will lead to a work “stoppage” and start stocking up on canned tuna fish, Hamburger Helper and Ramen Noodles?
I realized I am not even close to answering this question when I compiled a “to do” list of things to occupy my time until the economy gathers steam. I highly recommend everybody make a “to do” list. Heck, President Obama made one. Of course his includes things like “fix the financial crisis,” “end the war” and “keep Kanye West on a short leash” but at least it shows he is motivated.
If you are unemployed, your “to do” list is fairly concrete:
1) Find another job
A furloughed employee’s list is only slightly longer:
1) Realize you will soon be unemployed
2) Start looking NOW for another job
If you were selectively reduced, your list contains an element of revenge:
1) Vow never to be selectively reduced again
2) Start your own business even if that business is raking leaves by hand in a forest preserve
3) Take all the leaves you have raked and dump them on your former boss’ lawn.
4) Ring his doorbell and tell him you will selectively reduce the leaves for a fee – plus health insurance
Here’s my list. Like I said, I’m having trouble defining a theme. Optimism or panic? When in doubt, include both:
1) Start novel that has been kicking around in my head for years
2) Realize that novel will probably remain in head forever
3) Clean out following inboxes: Outlook, Yahoo mail, alternate Yahoo mail account, Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace
4) Marvel that one dedicated spammer managed to infiltrate all seven inboxes
5) Google myself repeatedly just to make sure there are plenty of available avenues to locate me.
6) Wonder why I have 23,000 hits at 4:50 p.m. and only 22,000 hits at 4:55 p.m.
7) Become temporarily depressed
8) Cheer up after reading that Google just laid off about 5,000 workers.
9) Send out eblast to every client who ever hired me in the past ten years, letting them know that I have plenty of new material and am therefore ready for a return engagement
10) Wait five minutes
11) Delete 75 percent of eblasts that bounced back because the recipients are now unemployed
12) Wonder if I should have taken that emcee job for the food company where the client wanted me to walk out dressed as a slice of cheese
13) Briefly contemplate that a guy dressed as a cheese slice might be a great central character for a novel
14) Wonder if Jerry Seinfeld is cutting HIS fee for corporate dates.
15) Convince myself that making a list really is a productive use of time
16) Log onto Facebook at 1 p.m. and see that I have five new friend requests.
17) Check out their profiles. Discover that all are unemployed, which explains why they are trolling Facebook at 1 p.m when they could be making to do lists.
18) Make new list of home projects I have been putting off because of my previously hectic schedule
19) Actually go to Home Depot to get supplies. Greet recently laid off neighbor who found another job…at Home Depot
20) Return to office, check email and get tremendously excited that a prospective clients wants to hire me for a show in late October
21) Become less excited when client wants to know if contract can include a 30-day ‘out’ clause
22) Discuss with family whether we can afford to get a dog right now
23) Take family to see “Marley and Me.” Realize that, even though the movie cost 40 bucks, I may have saved thousands of dollars because I will NEVER get a dog unless it is guaranteed not to get sick and die
24) Start writing material for an upcoming date in Vegas
25) Say a prayer and be thankful that I still get to make people laugh for a living. You can’t put a price on that.
About Greg Schwem
Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and humorous speaker. He is president of Comedy With a Byte. View clips of Greg by visiting www.comedywithabyte.com/demo.htm or viewing Greg's YouTube playlist by clicking here
In other words, a week of unemployment.
As our country grapples with the worst economic mess since (choose one):
A) The Great Depression
B) The Boston Tea Party
C) The New York Yankees
it’s amazing how the words used to describe unemployment have multiplied exponentially. While companies like Gannett “furlough,” others “tighten their belts” while others “realign” and still others engage in “selective reduction.”
I find the last one to be the most humiliating. Imagine coming into your boss’s office one morning and being told you have been selectively reduced. I’d leave with all the dignity of a chicken embryo.
According to Gannett chairman Craig Debow, the furlough was Gannett’s way of avoiding more layoffs for an industry that is losing customers and advertising dollars faster than Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is losing his sanity.
Note that Debow didn’t say the furlough would avoid layoffs. He said it would help avoid more layoffs. Yet my former co-worker seemed resigned to the probability that his furlough would eventually become permanent.
I tried to make light of an awkward moment.
“Maybe the furlough is just a chance for you to see whether you like being unemployed,” I said. “If not, just go to your bosses and say, ‘this unemployment thing isn’t for me. I’d really like to keep my job.’”
My friend laughed although I don’t think he found it funny. When you’re the one on the chopping block, it’s hard to laugh. More than eight percent of the current workforce can attest to that.
I don’t know what it’s like to be unemployed for I have never been fired. But I also can only vaguely remember what it’s like to have a normal job. In other words, a line of work that begins at 8, ends at 5, and usually involves sitting in traffic, a lame Christmas party and gossip.
For the past 20 years I have been self-employed. When you work for yourself, you constantly hover between having a job and being unemployed. If I perform my stand-up comedy routine for a corporation on a given day then yes, I’m employed. If I go seven days between gigs, then I guess you could say I’m unemployed. If I choose to spend those seven days combing the Internet looking for a company that could use a comedian at its next event, then I guess I’m in the job market.
I am also faced with, for the first time in several years, a work “slowdown.” The calendar is a bit leaner in 2009 than I would like. This puts me in a precarious position: Should I be thankful that at least I have SOME dates on my calendar and operate in a “business as usual” mode? Or should I assume that a work slowdown eventually will lead to a work “stoppage” and start stocking up on canned tuna fish, Hamburger Helper and Ramen Noodles?
I realized I am not even close to answering this question when I compiled a “to do” list of things to occupy my time until the economy gathers steam. I highly recommend everybody make a “to do” list. Heck, President Obama made one. Of course his includes things like “fix the financial crisis,” “end the war” and “keep Kanye West on a short leash” but at least it shows he is motivated.
If you are unemployed, your “to do” list is fairly concrete:
1) Find another job
A furloughed employee’s list is only slightly longer:
1) Realize you will soon be unemployed
2) Start looking NOW for another job
If you were selectively reduced, your list contains an element of revenge:
1) Vow never to be selectively reduced again
2) Start your own business even if that business is raking leaves by hand in a forest preserve
3) Take all the leaves you have raked and dump them on your former boss’ lawn.
4) Ring his doorbell and tell him you will selectively reduce the leaves for a fee – plus health insurance
Here’s my list. Like I said, I’m having trouble defining a theme. Optimism or panic? When in doubt, include both:
1) Start novel that has been kicking around in my head for years
2) Realize that novel will probably remain in head forever
3) Clean out following inboxes: Outlook, Yahoo mail, alternate Yahoo mail account, Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace
4) Marvel that one dedicated spammer managed to infiltrate all seven inboxes
5) Google myself repeatedly just to make sure there are plenty of available avenues to locate me.
6) Wonder why I have 23,000 hits at 4:50 p.m. and only 22,000 hits at 4:55 p.m.
7) Become temporarily depressed
8) Cheer up after reading that Google just laid off about 5,000 workers.
9) Send out eblast to every client who ever hired me in the past ten years, letting them know that I have plenty of new material and am therefore ready for a return engagement
10) Wait five minutes
11) Delete 75 percent of eblasts that bounced back because the recipients are now unemployed
12) Wonder if I should have taken that emcee job for the food company where the client wanted me to walk out dressed as a slice of cheese
13) Briefly contemplate that a guy dressed as a cheese slice might be a great central character for a novel
14) Wonder if Jerry Seinfeld is cutting HIS fee for corporate dates.
15) Convince myself that making a list really is a productive use of time
16) Log onto Facebook at 1 p.m. and see that I have five new friend requests.
17) Check out their profiles. Discover that all are unemployed, which explains why they are trolling Facebook at 1 p.m when they could be making to do lists.
18) Make new list of home projects I have been putting off because of my previously hectic schedule
19) Actually go to Home Depot to get supplies. Greet recently laid off neighbor who found another job…at Home Depot
20) Return to office, check email and get tremendously excited that a prospective clients wants to hire me for a show in late October
21) Become less excited when client wants to know if contract can include a 30-day ‘out’ clause
22) Discuss with family whether we can afford to get a dog right now
23) Take family to see “Marley and Me.” Realize that, even though the movie cost 40 bucks, I may have saved thousands of dollars because I will NEVER get a dog unless it is guaranteed not to get sick and die
24) Start writing material for an upcoming date in Vegas
25) Say a prayer and be thankful that I still get to make people laugh for a living. You can’t put a price on that.
About Greg Schwem
Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and humorous speaker. He is president of Comedy With a Byte. View clips of Greg by visiting www.comedywithabyte.com/demo.htm or viewing Greg's YouTube playlist by clicking here
Calling my daughter...Where R U?
I have compiled a mental list of what I consider to be “life changing” moments. So far I have three. I would have had four had the Cubs won the World Series in 2008. But since they choked, as only the Cubs know how, the list stands at three:
1) I got married
2) My first child was born
3) Aforementioned child got her first cell phone
If, for a moment, you care to debate whether number three truly changed my life, I invite you to spend a day at my house and watch my 11-year-old daughter Natalie in action. You will no doubt leave my home only after giving me a supportive pat on the back and perhaps a bottle of vodka to help me get through the rest of my life.
I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. Natalie is a sixth-grader, which means we are lengthening her leash and allowing her extra freedom. Her friends’ parents are doing the same, which explains why cell phones had become so prevalent among her peers in the past year. The car pool backseats have grown much quieter because most of her friends spend the entire ride to volleyball practice and sleepovers tapping out text messages, often to each other. Such is the case when your cell phone plan comes with UNLIMITED TEXT!!!
One by one, the girls all got phones until Natalie was convinced the only people in the world without this communication necessity was herself and a remote tribe in the Congo. She was left to peer over her friends’ shoulders or worse, use my phone to send text messages. One day I looked at my address book and names like “Lauren,” “Cheyenne,” “Ali” and “Haley” had been added.
At the beginning of the school year, we struck a deal after a lengthy discussion: keep your grades up and wait until Christmas and you will have a phone. Seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, Natalie, already an excellent student, began requesting trips to every Best Buy and Sprint store within a 50-mile radius of our home. Once inside, she pored over the phone selection the same way a gourmet chef looks at onions. Numerous phones were discarded for various reasons including “no slide out keyboard,” “not enough buttons” and “it only comes in red.” The phones all looked the same to me but I’m not eleven and therefore, have no idea what I’m talking about.
Eventually she settled on something called a “Rant” from Sprint. Oh, and she also informed us that it had to be purple. I’m not sure if purple phones get better reception but I could only imagine Alexander Graham Bell doing flip flops in his grave as he realized his history making invention was being judged based on color.
At this point, it was time for lengthy discussion number two: paying for it. We were determined to discuss this subject in detail as we have already heard horror stories from neighbors who didn’t properly explain what is and what is not included on a cell phone plan. As a result, they were greeted with thousand dollar bills for services such as “Hannah Montana’s ringtone of the day.”
We struck another deal: We buy the phone, add it to our family plan and she contributes 15 bucks a month. If she doesn’t have the money, we keep the phone for the entire month and decide whether we want to return text messages such as “WHAT R U DOIN?” HALEY. With just a slight eye roll, she agreed and then retreated to her room to ponder a future career as a baby sitter.
The Fall whizzed by. Her grades kicked butt. She made the Honor Roll. Knowing the phone would soon be hers, she went into cell phone training. By that I meant she began talking about cell phones with her friends the way an engineer talks about widgets. She boldly asked to see her friends’ phones and compare them with the Rant that she still did not have. She even sent my wife text messages from other phones, just to prove she had mastered the technology that will eventually replace verbal communication.
Finally the blessed day arrived. December 25, the birthday of our Lord and the day my daughter became cool again. Sue had decided to prolong the moment by wrapping the fully functioning Rant in eight boxes and calling the number as Natalie began unwrapping them. However, due to our cluelessness, we failed to maximize the volume level on the phone so nobody heard the ringing phone as Natalie tore through box after box. Eventually the phone made its debut, with the same amount of enthusiasm as a newborn passing through a birth canal. Within minutes Natalie was texting her friends and I was growing aware that face-to-face conversation with my daughter would no longer be a given, but a treat.
Unless her battery dies or she can’t scrape up 15 bucks.
About Greg Schwem
Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and humorous speaker. He is president of Comedy With a Byte. View clips of Greg by visiting http://www.comedywithabyte.com/demo.htm or visiting his YouTube playlist by clicking here
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I'm off to college...be back in a hour
The ad popped up right in the middle of my PC while I was pleasure surfing: An attractive woman, wearing short shorts and a halter top, was stretched out comfortably on a chaise lounge with a laptop balanced on her mid section.
The accompanying caption read, “Earn your degree from anywhere.”
This woman was attending college?
While tanning?
In a lounge chair?
What in the name of Dale Carnegie is going on?
Since the PC entered our lives, we have learned to do just about everything without leaving our desks. We are shopping on line, paying our bills, finding the perfect Eggs Benedict recipe and quickly finding answers to questions like, “what was the monetary unit of New Guinea in 1842?” if we so desire.
But “distance learning”? Earning a college degree without actually attending college? What gives?.
I graduated from Northwestern University in 1984. I recently drove through the campus. Not much had changed. The library looked exactly the same as did the student union, the fraternities and the residential quads. I have great memories of the school but none were of the academic variety. I wasn’t the greatest student, often employing cliff notes and relying on teaching assistants to help me struggle to maintain a B average.
But one thing I knew I had to do in order to stay in school: I had to SHOW UP to class.
Oh sure, some professors taped their lectures and offered the tapes to students who missed class. But listening to a professor on tape back in 1984 was about as easy as trying to understand a McDonald’s employee through a drive-in speaker. “Distance learning” back in 1984 meant you sat in the back row.
I don’t want to make it sound like I was writing term papers with an inkwell and a fountain pen by glow of kerosene lamp. I’m not that old. There were computers back then but they existed primarily in a strange looking building simply called “Vogelback.” Since Northwestern is a private university, most of its buildings were named after whoever could fork over multi-million dollar donations. If a “Mr. Vogelback” did indeed exist, I’m sure his biography included a stint at Hitler Youth camp.
Vogelback was a non-descript low-rise building that looked like it could easily have housed the entire university’s plumbing system. It was a diabolical place to say the least. I had friends who would walk through Vogelback’s doors on Wednesday and often not come out until the following Monday. They exited carrying lengthy rolled up papers containing the results of whatever “program” they had been trying to run. The key word here is “trying.” Programs NEVER ran on the first try. Running a successful program was a never-ending session of finding “errors,” fixing them, running the program again and discovering new errors. .
One night I encountered a frat buddy sitting in our dining room and poring over his program. He announced that his starting program contained 678 errors but he’d “gotten that down to about 315.” He sounded almost giddy, an amazing feat considering he had not slept in nine days.
Three-hundred fifteen errors? President Bush hasn’t made that many mistakes.
In four years of college, I never once set foot in Vogelback. Instead, I majored in journalism, which required me to bang out papers on an electric Smith-Corona typewriter with the uncanny ability to run out of ribbon ink only between midnight and 7 a.m., while every office supply store in the country was closed.
Furthermore, when exam week rolled around, I slogged across campus regardless of weather to the lecture hall where I was handed a small, multi-page booklet containing approximately 20 sheets of lined paper. It was called simply a “blue book” and it was where I wrote (or often bs’d) answers to the finals. Never once did I do this while sitting in a chaise lounge.
This is precisely why I wanted to reach through my PC the other day and strangle this college “student” who was making the process of earning a degree look easier than making instant coffee.
The ad was sponsored by Monster Learning Network, a division of the popular job site monster.com. I clicked on the ad and was taken here where I learned that on-line degrees were offered by the University of Phoenix, the Art Institutes and DeVry University. I even saw a list of the most popular on-line degrees:
• M.B.A in e-Business
• RN to Bachelor of Science in Nursing
• Master of Education in Adult Education and Distance Learning
• Masters in Computer Information Systems
• Master of Education in Curriculum and Technology
I had to admit, all of these degrees sounded far more impressive than “Bachelor of Science in Journalism, Northwestern University.”
For years, I have received almost weekly emails from the University of Phoenix, encouraging me to EARN MY DEGREE. At first I scoffed at the idea and assumed the University of Phoenix would go the way of toys.com and other web sites that flamed out during the dot com bust. But the University of Phoenix is going strong and today is the largest private university of North America, according to numerous sources (read: Wikipedia!) I also learned the average student’s age is between 33 and 36 and most have outside work commitments. This leads me to believe that the on line program is booming.
Yet I still can’t fathom the idea of going to college while sitting in Starbucks. Or McDonald’s. Or on a chaise lounge like the Monster Network beauty queen. What do these students do for fun? Join a virtual fraternity? Attend on line football games? Get drunk at cyber bars?
Even more, I wonder how one takes a test on line? As I sit and write this blog, I can see the Google search bar in the upper right corner of the screen. If I have a question about ANYTHING, it’s there to help me find the answer. All I have to do is type the question in the box.
Which begs the question…what prevents an on line student from seeking help via Google while taking an on line test?
Hmmm, that’s a tough question. I don’t know the answer. But perhaps somebody at Nobelprizewinners.com might have an idea.
Get my point? I know I’m old school but I question how much “learning” is happening on line. At the very least, students should take tests in a classroom, under the watchful eyes of professors and teaching assistants who are making sure they know the material and aren’t resorting to cheating using tools such as…THE ENTIRE INTERNET!
Obviously the folks at University of Phoenix don’t agree with me. They might read this blog and decide they’ve been defamed or libeled. Maybe they will sue me.
No problem. I’ll represent myself.
Right after I get my law degree.
But first I need a chaise lounge.
The accompanying caption read, “Earn your degree from anywhere.”
This woman was attending college?
While tanning?
In a lounge chair?
What in the name of Dale Carnegie is going on?
Since the PC entered our lives, we have learned to do just about everything without leaving our desks. We are shopping on line, paying our bills, finding the perfect Eggs Benedict recipe and quickly finding answers to questions like, “what was the monetary unit of New Guinea in 1842?” if we so desire.
But “distance learning”? Earning a college degree without actually attending college? What gives?.
I graduated from Northwestern University in 1984. I recently drove through the campus. Not much had changed. The library looked exactly the same as did the student union, the fraternities and the residential quads. I have great memories of the school but none were of the academic variety. I wasn’t the greatest student, often employing cliff notes and relying on teaching assistants to help me struggle to maintain a B average.
But one thing I knew I had to do in order to stay in school: I had to SHOW UP to class.
Oh sure, some professors taped their lectures and offered the tapes to students who missed class. But listening to a professor on tape back in 1984 was about as easy as trying to understand a McDonald’s employee through a drive-in speaker. “Distance learning” back in 1984 meant you sat in the back row.
I don’t want to make it sound like I was writing term papers with an inkwell and a fountain pen by glow of kerosene lamp. I’m not that old. There were computers back then but they existed primarily in a strange looking building simply called “Vogelback.” Since Northwestern is a private university, most of its buildings were named after whoever could fork over multi-million dollar donations. If a “Mr. Vogelback” did indeed exist, I’m sure his biography included a stint at Hitler Youth camp.
Vogelback was a non-descript low-rise building that looked like it could easily have housed the entire university’s plumbing system. It was a diabolical place to say the least. I had friends who would walk through Vogelback’s doors on Wednesday and often not come out until the following Monday. They exited carrying lengthy rolled up papers containing the results of whatever “program” they had been trying to run. The key word here is “trying.” Programs NEVER ran on the first try. Running a successful program was a never-ending session of finding “errors,” fixing them, running the program again and discovering new errors. .
One night I encountered a frat buddy sitting in our dining room and poring over his program. He announced that his starting program contained 678 errors but he’d “gotten that down to about 315.” He sounded almost giddy, an amazing feat considering he had not slept in nine days.
Three-hundred fifteen errors? President Bush hasn’t made that many mistakes.
In four years of college, I never once set foot in Vogelback. Instead, I majored in journalism, which required me to bang out papers on an electric Smith-Corona typewriter with the uncanny ability to run out of ribbon ink only between midnight and 7 a.m., while every office supply store in the country was closed.
Furthermore, when exam week rolled around, I slogged across campus regardless of weather to the lecture hall where I was handed a small, multi-page booklet containing approximately 20 sheets of lined paper. It was called simply a “blue book” and it was where I wrote (or often bs’d) answers to the finals. Never once did I do this while sitting in a chaise lounge.
This is precisely why I wanted to reach through my PC the other day and strangle this college “student” who was making the process of earning a degree look easier than making instant coffee.
The ad was sponsored by Monster Learning Network, a division of the popular job site monster.com. I clicked on the ad and was taken here where I learned that on-line degrees were offered by the University of Phoenix, the Art Institutes and DeVry University. I even saw a list of the most popular on-line degrees:
• M.B.A in e-Business
• RN to Bachelor of Science in Nursing
• Master of Education in Adult Education and Distance Learning
• Masters in Computer Information Systems
• Master of Education in Curriculum and Technology
I had to admit, all of these degrees sounded far more impressive than “Bachelor of Science in Journalism, Northwestern University.”
For years, I have received almost weekly emails from the University of Phoenix, encouraging me to EARN MY DEGREE. At first I scoffed at the idea and assumed the University of Phoenix would go the way of toys.com and other web sites that flamed out during the dot com bust. But the University of Phoenix is going strong and today is the largest private university of North America, according to numerous sources (read: Wikipedia!) I also learned the average student’s age is between 33 and 36 and most have outside work commitments. This leads me to believe that the on line program is booming.
Yet I still can’t fathom the idea of going to college while sitting in Starbucks. Or McDonald’s. Or on a chaise lounge like the Monster Network beauty queen. What do these students do for fun? Join a virtual fraternity? Attend on line football games? Get drunk at cyber bars?
Even more, I wonder how one takes a test on line? As I sit and write this blog, I can see the Google search bar in the upper right corner of the screen. If I have a question about ANYTHING, it’s there to help me find the answer. All I have to do is type the question in the box.
Which begs the question…what prevents an on line student from seeking help via Google while taking an on line test?
Hmmm, that’s a tough question. I don’t know the answer. But perhaps somebody at Nobelprizewinners.com might have an idea.
Get my point? I know I’m old school but I question how much “learning” is happening on line. At the very least, students should take tests in a classroom, under the watchful eyes of professors and teaching assistants who are making sure they know the material and aren’t resorting to cheating using tools such as…THE ENTIRE INTERNET!
Obviously the folks at University of Phoenix don’t agree with me. They might read this blog and decide they’ve been defamed or libeled. Maybe they will sue me.
No problem. I’ll represent myself.
Right after I get my law degree.
But first I need a chaise lounge.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The world's greatest salesman
Every year I perform my stand-up comedy routine at dozens of sales awards banquets. They’re usually held in nice resorts, include open bar at some point and are attended by the company’s top producers – the “best of the best” if you will.
The attendees carry themselves well. From the moment they stride into the resort, golf bags slung over their shoulder, they walk with an air of accomplishment. They know they are excellent salespeople. Some may even go so far as to think they are the best salespeople.
They are not. For I know the best salesperson. While we have never met, I know where to find him or her. It’s somewhere in Pennsylvania. But more on that later. First, any talk of the best sales person in the world has to include this joke:
A salesman walks into a sporting goods store to apply for a job. During the interview he tells the manager that he is the world’s best salesman.
“I can sell anything to anybody,” he says, matter-of-factly.
Unconvinced, the manager puts him on the floor immediately and then drifts over to the salesman’s area, hoping to watch the first customer exchange.
A man approaches and chats briefly with the salesman. Together they head to fishing tackle where, within minutes, the customer has purchased $500 worth of fishing poles and tackle.
The awestruck manager creeps closer, anxious to get a whiff of the conversation.
“Now that you got the fishing tackle, aren’t you going to need a boat?” the salesman asks.
The customer agrees and buys a boat on the spot.
“How about a trailer to haul that boat?” asks the salesman. Another sale right there, this time for a top of the line trailer and hitch.
“A trailer like that can only be towed by a large Winnebago,” says the salesman. Let me show you what we’ve got.
The manager is completely blown away as he sees the customer sign the paperwork for a new Winnebago.
But the salesman isn’t done. Not until he has sold the customer a piece of lakefront property where he can fish to his heart’s content.
When the customer had left, the manager came out from behind his hiding place. “I gotta tell you buddy, I was skeptical but I just watched you in action and you truly are the world’s greatest salesman. I mean, that guy just came in to buy fishing tackle and he walks out with a boat, a Winnebago and a piece of property. Unbelievable!
“You don’t know the half of it,” the salesman replies. “That guy came in looking for tampons for his wife and I said, ‘hey, as long as you aren’t doing anything this weekend, why not go fishing?’”
BA-DOOM CHING!
Okay it’s not a laugh out loud joke but it’s funny if you pound the pavement every day, hoping for the next big score that will send you on that trip to Hawaii. And maybe someday you will be as talented as the salesperson in Pennsylvania. Again, I don’t know this person’s name or whether this person is male or female. I only know that he or she sells cell phone service.
Several weeks ago I was performing for PennMed Healthcare, which manages 17 long-term care facilities in Pennsylvania. Each year the company organized a corporate “retreat,” in which the top brass go to a remote location and spend two days discussing how to make PennMed a better operation.
For reasons never quite explained to me, the group chose the St. Francis Center for Renewal, a convent located in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. It was the first show I had ever performed in a convent. Statues and paintings of Jesus were on every wall of the showroom. The Lord truly was watching me from all angles.
But that’s not all. According to Wikipedia, Bethlehem is also home to the largest concentration of Amish people in the world. Indeed, when driving around the area, it’s hard not to see billboards for Amish furniture and other wares.
So there I was at 8:30 a.m. driving a rental car and attempting to find a convent in the middle of Amish country. Upon arrival, I turned on my Blackberry to check email.
My phone worked perfectly. I had all the bars. I had full strength. I had cell phone service. Put more succinctly, I had cell phone service in an area populated by a bunch of women who had given their lives to God and a collection of people who still think we’re living in the early 1800s.
Whoever convinced the population of this area that they needed cell phones is the world’s greatest salesman. END OF DISCUSSION. Prepare the plaque, engrave the company pen and book the trip to Cabo. We have a winner.
I still wonder what these people are doing with their cell phones. Are the Mother Superior and Ezekiel texting each other late at night? Are the nuns listening to choir music on their new 3G iPhones? Are the Amish buying and selling oxen on eBay?
Actually, I don’t care and I doubt the world’s greatest sales person does. For right now, that person has probably just convinced the executives at PennMed that the nursing home residents need motorcycles.
The attendees carry themselves well. From the moment they stride into the resort, golf bags slung over their shoulder, they walk with an air of accomplishment. They know they are excellent salespeople. Some may even go so far as to think they are the best salespeople.
They are not. For I know the best salesperson. While we have never met, I know where to find him or her. It’s somewhere in Pennsylvania. But more on that later. First, any talk of the best sales person in the world has to include this joke:
A salesman walks into a sporting goods store to apply for a job. During the interview he tells the manager that he is the world’s best salesman.
“I can sell anything to anybody,” he says, matter-of-factly.
Unconvinced, the manager puts him on the floor immediately and then drifts over to the salesman’s area, hoping to watch the first customer exchange.
A man approaches and chats briefly with the salesman. Together they head to fishing tackle where, within minutes, the customer has purchased $500 worth of fishing poles and tackle.
The awestruck manager creeps closer, anxious to get a whiff of the conversation.
“Now that you got the fishing tackle, aren’t you going to need a boat?” the salesman asks.
The customer agrees and buys a boat on the spot.
“How about a trailer to haul that boat?” asks the salesman. Another sale right there, this time for a top of the line trailer and hitch.
“A trailer like that can only be towed by a large Winnebago,” says the salesman. Let me show you what we’ve got.
The manager is completely blown away as he sees the customer sign the paperwork for a new Winnebago.
But the salesman isn’t done. Not until he has sold the customer a piece of lakefront property where he can fish to his heart’s content.
When the customer had left, the manager came out from behind his hiding place. “I gotta tell you buddy, I was skeptical but I just watched you in action and you truly are the world’s greatest salesman. I mean, that guy just came in to buy fishing tackle and he walks out with a boat, a Winnebago and a piece of property. Unbelievable!
“You don’t know the half of it,” the salesman replies. “That guy came in looking for tampons for his wife and I said, ‘hey, as long as you aren’t doing anything this weekend, why not go fishing?’”
BA-DOOM CHING!
Okay it’s not a laugh out loud joke but it’s funny if you pound the pavement every day, hoping for the next big score that will send you on that trip to Hawaii. And maybe someday you will be as talented as the salesperson in Pennsylvania. Again, I don’t know this person’s name or whether this person is male or female. I only know that he or she sells cell phone service.
Several weeks ago I was performing for PennMed Healthcare, which manages 17 long-term care facilities in Pennsylvania. Each year the company organized a corporate “retreat,” in which the top brass go to a remote location and spend two days discussing how to make PennMed a better operation.
For reasons never quite explained to me, the group chose the St. Francis Center for Renewal, a convent located in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. It was the first show I had ever performed in a convent. Statues and paintings of Jesus were on every wall of the showroom. The Lord truly was watching me from all angles.
But that’s not all. According to Wikipedia, Bethlehem is also home to the largest concentration of Amish people in the world. Indeed, when driving around the area, it’s hard not to see billboards for Amish furniture and other wares.
So there I was at 8:30 a.m. driving a rental car and attempting to find a convent in the middle of Amish country. Upon arrival, I turned on my Blackberry to check email.
My phone worked perfectly. I had all the bars. I had full strength. I had cell phone service. Put more succinctly, I had cell phone service in an area populated by a bunch of women who had given their lives to God and a collection of people who still think we’re living in the early 1800s.
Whoever convinced the population of this area that they needed cell phones is the world’s greatest salesman. END OF DISCUSSION. Prepare the plaque, engrave the company pen and book the trip to Cabo. We have a winner.
I still wonder what these people are doing with their cell phones. Are the Mother Superior and Ezekiel texting each other late at night? Are the nuns listening to choir music on their new 3G iPhones? Are the Amish buying and selling oxen on eBay?
Actually, I don’t care and I doubt the world’s greatest sales person does. For right now, that person has probably just convinced the executives at PennMed that the nursing home residents need motorcycles.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
What are YOU doing right now?
I am typing on my laptop in the Lehigh, Pennsylvania Airport
I am taking a sip from the Diet Coke that I purchased at the airport Subway. It is cold and refreshing.
I am checking my Blackberry to see if I have any emails.
I am typing again.
If you don’t care that I’m doing any of this, then you obviously are not a member of Facebook, the wildly popular social networking site that invites its members to announce to the cyberspace community exactly what it is they are doing RIGHT NOW!
Right now I am wondering why I ever joined Facebook. I’m wondering that now as well. And now. Now too!
At last count, Facebook had approximately 75 million members, not counting the five million who are desperately trying to join but are having trouble with their Internet connections. What started as a quirky idea in a college dorm room has snowballed into a phenomenon that, in my opinion, threatens to overtake Fantasy Football as the biggest time waster in modern history. (Read Greg's Facebook profile by clicking here)
Mind you, Facebook is not the first social networking site to hit the Internet. I joined the social networking phenomenon two years ago when a business acquaintance suggested I become part of LinkedIn, a “business-oriented” social networking site. By “business-oriented” it means that the members actually have jobs and, furthermore, actual lives. (Read Greg's LinkedIn profile by clicking here)
Such does not appear to be the case with Facebook.
I took the Facebook plunge only after a marketing executive told me it would increase my on line profile and allow people trolling cyberspace one more way to reach me directly. What did I have to lose?
I went to the site and set up my profile. This took just over 92 hours because Facebook wanted to know EVERYTHING about me. Was I married? Single? Engaged? In an open relationship? Or my favorite choice: “it’s complicated.” Excuse me o Facebook gods but what relationship IS NOT complicated?
Was I interested in men or women? Actually I find both men and women interesting, particularly if they’ve had a few drinks and are in the midst of a lengthy airport delay. But I assumed Facebook wanted to know my sexual preference. I left it blank.
What were my political and religious views? I thought there might be drop down boxes to choose from. Had the choices included “Democrat but Sarah Palin makes me laugh” or “church on Sundays unless my daughter has a gymnastics meet,” I would have made a choice. But I left those blank too, simply because I don’t want to be contacted by any Facebook members with conversion on their minds.
The interrogation continued. What were my favorite movies? TV shows? Musical groups? Quotes?
The quotes box stumped me, as I have never gone through life quoting anybody other than my father who lived by the mantra, “So help me God, I am turning this car around right now!” Somehow that didn’t seem appropriate considering some of my Facebook “friends” were quoting Plato, Sun Tzu and Lee Iacocca.
Ah yes, the “friends” you will meet upon joining Facebook. Once my profile was completed and I had announced every known fact about myself except what I ate for breakfast on June 29, 1981, (Note: Facebook support personnel are working to answer that question right now) it was time to sit back and hear from others in the Facebook community who wanted me to be their friends.
It didn’t take long.
Facebook, you see, crawls into your inner being and just keeps digging deeper, much like a tapeworm. Facebook can scan your email address book and determine which contacts also have Facebook profiles. It can contact them directly if you like. It’s a good thing I don’t know anybody named Bob Smith for Facebook would instantly send a message to approximately 549,000 Bob Smiths, letting all of them know that Greg Schwem wants to be their friend.
Instead, people I had long forgotten about wanted to be MY friend. There was a fraternity brother who graduated shortly after I initiated; a Canadian woman who last hired me 10 years ago; a fellow Chicago comedian whose name and face I could barely place.
And my accountant.
I have no idea why my accountant wants to be my friend. Is he not satisfied with the monthly check I send him? I wanted to email all these people back and say, “Where were you when I was seven, huh?” Nobody wanted me to be friends with me then. There was no “Greg’s a pretty cool kid, so let’s ask him to play baseball with us” message board that I could join. But with Facebook, suddenly I was more popular than I had ever been in my life. So I emailed them all back, acted like they were all still fresh in my memory and asked them to stay in touch by writing on my Facebook “wall”.
That was a HUGE mistake.
Opening up your Facebook wall to your friends is another way of saying, “annoy me whenever you like.” It allows them to, indeed, tell me what they are doing right now. Suddenly I was being bombarded with email alerts letting me know that one “friend” “was thrilled that the Sox pulled it out.” Another “is working on a plan.” Another “got sunburned during the kickball tournament” and still another is “counting the minutes until she sees her boys on Wednesday.”
I don’t know if that’s what these friends were doing “right now” or if it was just something they thought everybody should know about. In any event, it caused me to stop what I was doing and read what they were doing.
Before Facebook launched its new look, it gave users a drop down menu containing “what are you doing right now” choices. So, if a user wasn’t actually sure what he or she was doing right now, Facebook could help. One of the choices was “going to bed.” That’s right, I could let my entire collection of on line friends know that I was “going to bed” with a simple mouseclick. Trust me, if anybody interrupted my life with an email stating they were going to bed, I would tell Facebook to WAKE THEM UP. NOW!
The bottom line? I don’t want to know what people are doing right now. I don’t need social networking sites that will distract me from my primary goal, namely getting something done. Which is why today I am launching the first ever “anti-social networking” site. Simply put, this is a site for people who don’t care to be in the loop anymore.
Interested? Then join me. My site will purge your email address book, ultimately leaving you “friendless.” Your name and personal information will be eliminated from message boards, chat rooms, groups, and lists. Nobody will know your favorite color and you won’t know how anybody is celebrating his or her birthday. In short, you will have nothing left to do with your time other than be productive.
That’s what I’m going to do right now.
I am taking a sip from the Diet Coke that I purchased at the airport Subway. It is cold and refreshing.
I am checking my Blackberry to see if I have any emails.
I am typing again.
If you don’t care that I’m doing any of this, then you obviously are not a member of Facebook, the wildly popular social networking site that invites its members to announce to the cyberspace community exactly what it is they are doing RIGHT NOW!
Right now I am wondering why I ever joined Facebook. I’m wondering that now as well. And now. Now too!
At last count, Facebook had approximately 75 million members, not counting the five million who are desperately trying to join but are having trouble with their Internet connections. What started as a quirky idea in a college dorm room has snowballed into a phenomenon that, in my opinion, threatens to overtake Fantasy Football as the biggest time waster in modern history. (Read Greg's Facebook profile by clicking here)
Mind you, Facebook is not the first social networking site to hit the Internet. I joined the social networking phenomenon two years ago when a business acquaintance suggested I become part of LinkedIn, a “business-oriented” social networking site. By “business-oriented” it means that the members actually have jobs and, furthermore, actual lives. (Read Greg's LinkedIn profile by clicking here)
Such does not appear to be the case with Facebook.
I took the Facebook plunge only after a marketing executive told me it would increase my on line profile and allow people trolling cyberspace one more way to reach me directly. What did I have to lose?
I went to the site and set up my profile. This took just over 92 hours because Facebook wanted to know EVERYTHING about me. Was I married? Single? Engaged? In an open relationship? Or my favorite choice: “it’s complicated.” Excuse me o Facebook gods but what relationship IS NOT complicated?
Was I interested in men or women? Actually I find both men and women interesting, particularly if they’ve had a few drinks and are in the midst of a lengthy airport delay. But I assumed Facebook wanted to know my sexual preference. I left it blank.
What were my political and religious views? I thought there might be drop down boxes to choose from. Had the choices included “Democrat but Sarah Palin makes me laugh” or “church on Sundays unless my daughter has a gymnastics meet,” I would have made a choice. But I left those blank too, simply because I don’t want to be contacted by any Facebook members with conversion on their minds.
The interrogation continued. What were my favorite movies? TV shows? Musical groups? Quotes?
The quotes box stumped me, as I have never gone through life quoting anybody other than my father who lived by the mantra, “So help me God, I am turning this car around right now!” Somehow that didn’t seem appropriate considering some of my Facebook “friends” were quoting Plato, Sun Tzu and Lee Iacocca.
Ah yes, the “friends” you will meet upon joining Facebook. Once my profile was completed and I had announced every known fact about myself except what I ate for breakfast on June 29, 1981, (Note: Facebook support personnel are working to answer that question right now) it was time to sit back and hear from others in the Facebook community who wanted me to be their friends.
It didn’t take long.
Facebook, you see, crawls into your inner being and just keeps digging deeper, much like a tapeworm. Facebook can scan your email address book and determine which contacts also have Facebook profiles. It can contact them directly if you like. It’s a good thing I don’t know anybody named Bob Smith for Facebook would instantly send a message to approximately 549,000 Bob Smiths, letting all of them know that Greg Schwem wants to be their friend.
Instead, people I had long forgotten about wanted to be MY friend. There was a fraternity brother who graduated shortly after I initiated; a Canadian woman who last hired me 10 years ago; a fellow Chicago comedian whose name and face I could barely place.
And my accountant.
I have no idea why my accountant wants to be my friend. Is he not satisfied with the monthly check I send him? I wanted to email all these people back and say, “Where were you when I was seven, huh?” Nobody wanted me to be friends with me then. There was no “Greg’s a pretty cool kid, so let’s ask him to play baseball with us” message board that I could join. But with Facebook, suddenly I was more popular than I had ever been in my life. So I emailed them all back, acted like they were all still fresh in my memory and asked them to stay in touch by writing on my Facebook “wall”.
That was a HUGE mistake.
Opening up your Facebook wall to your friends is another way of saying, “annoy me whenever you like.” It allows them to, indeed, tell me what they are doing right now. Suddenly I was being bombarded with email alerts letting me know that one “friend” “was thrilled that the Sox pulled it out.” Another “is working on a plan.” Another “got sunburned during the kickball tournament” and still another is “counting the minutes until she sees her boys on Wednesday.”
I don’t know if that’s what these friends were doing “right now” or if it was just something they thought everybody should know about. In any event, it caused me to stop what I was doing and read what they were doing.
Before Facebook launched its new look, it gave users a drop down menu containing “what are you doing right now” choices. So, if a user wasn’t actually sure what he or she was doing right now, Facebook could help. One of the choices was “going to bed.” That’s right, I could let my entire collection of on line friends know that I was “going to bed” with a simple mouseclick. Trust me, if anybody interrupted my life with an email stating they were going to bed, I would tell Facebook to WAKE THEM UP. NOW!
The bottom line? I don’t want to know what people are doing right now. I don’t need social networking sites that will distract me from my primary goal, namely getting something done. Which is why today I am launching the first ever “anti-social networking” site. Simply put, this is a site for people who don’t care to be in the loop anymore.
Interested? Then join me. My site will purge your email address book, ultimately leaving you “friendless.” Your name and personal information will be eliminated from message boards, chat rooms, groups, and lists. Nobody will know your favorite color and you won’t know how anybody is celebrating his or her birthday. In short, you will have nothing left to do with your time other than be productive.
That’s what I’m going to do right now.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Pomp and Circumstance redux
Every now and then we read about somebody who hatches a scheme so outlandish, so bizarre, so “I can’t believe anybody would actually go through with this,” that we admire the person for his or her tenacity.
I have found that person in Wendy Brown.
Ms. Brown is a 33-year-old Green Bay mom, with an alleged history of identity theft crimes. But her latest attempt to pass herself off as somebody else was, shall we say, “really bitchin.” You see, Brown was recently arrested and charged with posing as her own 15-year-old daughter – a plot she allegedly hatched so she could go back to high school, get a degree and here’s the best part – become a cheerleader.
Brown was actually getting away with this when she was nabbed. She was attending classes and going to cheerleading practice in the morning. Apparently she made the team. I’m not sure if she made it because of her physical dexterity or because she could always drive the other cheerleaders to and from practice.
If the criminal complaint is true, then obviously Brown needs a psychiatrist more than a prom date. But I have to take issue with Wisconsin law enforcement authorities. Why arrest her so early? Why not let her finish out the year and achieve her dream? After all, who was she really hurting? Brown doesn’t sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer so it’s unlikely she was setting the curve on the calculus exams, forcing her fellow classmates to study harder. Also, her daughter was living in Nevada with Brown’s mother and was apparently unaware that Wendy Brown had assumed her identity.
Okay, so the complaint did allege that she bounced a check for her cheerleading uniform but I’m sure she’s not the first cheerleader who has done that. Last Spring I dropped over $150 on a dance costume for my six year old. The outfit was worn exactly once. After the recital it was tossed in the “dress up bin” in our basement.
Personally, I’m rooting for Ms. Brown, whose mugshot is on the right.
I want to see her acquitted. And if she is, I may just follow in her footsteps. For there are a few things I’d still like to accomplish at my alma mater.
I think I could pull it off. Sure I’m almost 46 but I still have all my hair. I don’t need to shave every day but even if I came in unshaven for chemistry class, I’d look no less scruffy than the majority of high school kids today. Of course, to blend in, I would also need a few other things. I’d need pants that fell below my waist, revealing my underwear, the latest cell phone and iPod, an energy drink tucked into my backpack and a newfound ability to speak in sentences punctuated repeatedly with “like” and containing at least one profanity. But I refuse to get any body piercings on tattoos. Those look painful.
With my new identity, I would be ready to return to Prospect High School, home of the Knights, in Mt. Prospect, Illinois. The first thing I would do? Take the bus. I never took a bus in high school. I lived about 10 blocks from school and walked every day. No, it wasn’t uphill both ways but the district decided the distance was short enough that there was no need to waste education dollars on my transportation. So I walked. This was okay except in winter when I trudged into school with ice crystals adorning my eyelashes about the same time the bus pulled up and my fellow students took three steps before entering the building.
Once at school, I’d get my class schedule. I’d be certain to take Spanish since I never took that in high school and it’s a decision I regret. I took four years of German but even then I knew it was a language I would never use once I graduated. Several years later I visited Germany with a college buddy and discovered I had forgotten every lick of German I learned except “zwei bier bitte.” Two beers please. Surprisingly, I was able to stumble through the country quite ably using just that phrase.
I’d sign up for a math class, particularly one that requires a graphing calculator. I’m curious as to why a graphing calculator is so necessary today. I’d never heard of such a device when I went to high school. Yet my SIXTH GRADER needs one today. I took one look at it and guessed it was made in China because all the buttons appeared to contain Chinese characters. A graphing calculator allows its owner to brush up on things like “quadratics” and “hyperbolic trig.” Are these worthwhile skills to have today? I don’t know but I want to find out.
I’d also want to take a bunch of science classes just so I could consistently say, “what’s the point?” every time the teacher gave me an assignment. Mix chemicals together and wait for an explosion? What’s the point? Cut open a frog? What’s the point? If I contacted every member of the Prospect High School class of 1980 and asked if anyone had put their frog-dissecting skills to use following high school, I guarantee the answer would be a unanimous NO!
After a morning of education, it would be time for lunch. The cafeteria always intimidated me in high school. It just seemed to be a mass of people, none of whom knew me and vice versa. I wasn’t the most popular guy in high school by any means, a point that got exacerbated in the cafeteria. But I have a supply of confidence today that I never had in high school and it would show. I’d walk up to any table, containing any high school faction, sit down, introduce myself, eat my bologna and cheese and jump into the conversation.
Hi, I’m Greg. What music do you guys listen to? Lil Wayne? Death Cab for Cutie? Yeah, they’re okay. Anybody here like Styx or REO Speedwagon? Hey, where’s everybody going?
Of course I’d want to attend the Homecoming dance, providing one still existed. According to my high school-aged nieces, kids today don’t necessarily go to dances with dates. Instead, they go in groups, hang out and possibly “hook up” later. Actually that sounds okay by me. I went to two out of four homecomings in high school. Both times I made nervous calls to girls who accepted only after long, uncomfortable pauses on the phone. I dressed in a suit, tied a tie with a massive knot and picked up a girl that I knew would probably avoid me in the halls the following Monday.
This time would be different. I wouldn’t need to pick up my date in my parent’s Ford Torino. No, my lady would be escorted in my black BMW X5 with navigational system and an iPod port. With wheels like that, she might even talk to me until the following Tuesday, especially if I agreed to drive the entire group around after Homecoming.
Like Ms. Brown, I’d need an extracurricular activity or two. Hers was cheerleading. I’d want a few more. I would play for the tennis team, just as I did in high school. I’d only play because I had a horrible loss my senior year that kept me from getting to the Illinois state tennis tournament. I’d work hard, make it to the state tournament and then be forced to default because my 45-year-old body couldn’t handle playing three matches in one day.
I would also join some clubs that didn’t exist when I went to high school. The Computer Animated Design club. The science fiction club. Maybe even the Gay and Lesbian club, which seems to be popping up at every high school. I’m not gay but I’ve always wondered what gay high school students talk about after school? Do they study together? Do you study a different way if you’re gay?
According to authorities, Brown was planning to attend school until she graduated because she never received a high school diploma. I did graduate but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it again, right? And I’d want to give the commencement speech. I’d walk proudly to the podium, mortarboard balanced on my head, gaze out at my fellow students and the parents fanning themselves with programs. And then, I would reveal my ruse:
“Mr Superintendent, faculty members, parents and fellow students, my name is Greg Schwem. You may know me as ‘that new kid who claimed he had a disease which caused some of his hair to turn prematurely gray.’ You may know me as ‘that kid who seemed a bit too knowledgeable when we covered the 1980s in history class.’ You may know me as ‘that kid who occasionally used an American Express card in the cafeteria.’
I am all those people. I also am a 45-year-old father of two girls who aren’t even in high school yet. Thank you for allowing me into your school to see what high school is like today. I have met so many people this past year. And I can honestly say there is hope for all of you providing you stop text messaging and quit spending so much time trying to make your MySpace pages as ugly as possible.
Speaking of which, please try to remember that success does not equate to how many “friends” you have on Facebook. You are not successful just because you can kick butt in an on line poker room. And getting the highest score on Guitar Hero will get you nowhere in the real world. So put down the gadgets, stop interacting with virtual people and start talking with real people. Volunteer at a nursing home, work in a homeless shelter or become a big brother or big sister. Stop relying on your helicopter parents for money and get a job. Think baby-sitting is beneath you? I pay our baby sitter seven bucks an hour – sometimes to watch TV!
Open a savings account, eschew credit cards, keep a journal. Learn how to spell without the aid of a spell checker. Learn to add without Quicken. Do your research in a library and not through Wikipedia. Be nice to everyone and don’t judge people who are different. They may be your boss one day.
That’s all I have to say. Now lets sing the school fight song. Please welcome our head cheerleader…WENDY BROWN!
About Greg Schwem
Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and president of Comedy With a Byte. Please visit his website by clicking here
I have found that person in Wendy Brown.
Ms. Brown is a 33-year-old Green Bay mom, with an alleged history of identity theft crimes. But her latest attempt to pass herself off as somebody else was, shall we say, “really bitchin.” You see, Brown was recently arrested and charged with posing as her own 15-year-old daughter – a plot she allegedly hatched so she could go back to high school, get a degree and here’s the best part – become a cheerleader.
Brown was actually getting away with this when she was nabbed. She was attending classes and going to cheerleading practice in the morning. Apparently she made the team. I’m not sure if she made it because of her physical dexterity or because she could always drive the other cheerleaders to and from practice.
If the criminal complaint is true, then obviously Brown needs a psychiatrist more than a prom date. But I have to take issue with Wisconsin law enforcement authorities. Why arrest her so early? Why not let her finish out the year and achieve her dream? After all, who was she really hurting? Brown doesn’t sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer so it’s unlikely she was setting the curve on the calculus exams, forcing her fellow classmates to study harder. Also, her daughter was living in Nevada with Brown’s mother and was apparently unaware that Wendy Brown had assumed her identity.
Okay, so the complaint did allege that she bounced a check for her cheerleading uniform but I’m sure she’s not the first cheerleader who has done that. Last Spring I dropped over $150 on a dance costume for my six year old. The outfit was worn exactly once. After the recital it was tossed in the “dress up bin” in our basement.
Personally, I’m rooting for Ms. Brown, whose mugshot is on the right.
I want to see her acquitted. And if she is, I may just follow in her footsteps. For there are a few things I’d still like to accomplish at my alma mater.I think I could pull it off. Sure I’m almost 46 but I still have all my hair. I don’t need to shave every day but even if I came in unshaven for chemistry class, I’d look no less scruffy than the majority of high school kids today. Of course, to blend in, I would also need a few other things. I’d need pants that fell below my waist, revealing my underwear, the latest cell phone and iPod, an energy drink tucked into my backpack and a newfound ability to speak in sentences punctuated repeatedly with “like” and containing at least one profanity. But I refuse to get any body piercings on tattoos. Those look painful.
With my new identity, I would be ready to return to Prospect High School, home of the Knights, in Mt. Prospect, Illinois. The first thing I would do? Take the bus. I never took a bus in high school. I lived about 10 blocks from school and walked every day. No, it wasn’t uphill both ways but the district decided the distance was short enough that there was no need to waste education dollars on my transportation. So I walked. This was okay except in winter when I trudged into school with ice crystals adorning my eyelashes about the same time the bus pulled up and my fellow students took three steps before entering the building.
Once at school, I’d get my class schedule. I’d be certain to take Spanish since I never took that in high school and it’s a decision I regret. I took four years of German but even then I knew it was a language I would never use once I graduated. Several years later I visited Germany with a college buddy and discovered I had forgotten every lick of German I learned except “zwei bier bitte.” Two beers please. Surprisingly, I was able to stumble through the country quite ably using just that phrase.
I’d sign up for a math class, particularly one that requires a graphing calculator. I’m curious as to why a graphing calculator is so necessary today. I’d never heard of such a device when I went to high school. Yet my SIXTH GRADER needs one today. I took one look at it and guessed it was made in China because all the buttons appeared to contain Chinese characters. A graphing calculator allows its owner to brush up on things like “quadratics” and “hyperbolic trig.” Are these worthwhile skills to have today? I don’t know but I want to find out.
I’d also want to take a bunch of science classes just so I could consistently say, “what’s the point?” every time the teacher gave me an assignment. Mix chemicals together and wait for an explosion? What’s the point? Cut open a frog? What’s the point? If I contacted every member of the Prospect High School class of 1980 and asked if anyone had put their frog-dissecting skills to use following high school, I guarantee the answer would be a unanimous NO!
After a morning of education, it would be time for lunch. The cafeteria always intimidated me in high school. It just seemed to be a mass of people, none of whom knew me and vice versa. I wasn’t the most popular guy in high school by any means, a point that got exacerbated in the cafeteria. But I have a supply of confidence today that I never had in high school and it would show. I’d walk up to any table, containing any high school faction, sit down, introduce myself, eat my bologna and cheese and jump into the conversation.
Hi, I’m Greg. What music do you guys listen to? Lil Wayne? Death Cab for Cutie? Yeah, they’re okay. Anybody here like Styx or REO Speedwagon? Hey, where’s everybody going?
Of course I’d want to attend the Homecoming dance, providing one still existed. According to my high school-aged nieces, kids today don’t necessarily go to dances with dates. Instead, they go in groups, hang out and possibly “hook up” later. Actually that sounds okay by me. I went to two out of four homecomings in high school. Both times I made nervous calls to girls who accepted only after long, uncomfortable pauses on the phone. I dressed in a suit, tied a tie with a massive knot and picked up a girl that I knew would probably avoid me in the halls the following Monday.
This time would be different. I wouldn’t need to pick up my date in my parent’s Ford Torino. No, my lady would be escorted in my black BMW X5 with navigational system and an iPod port. With wheels like that, she might even talk to me until the following Tuesday, especially if I agreed to drive the entire group around after Homecoming.
Like Ms. Brown, I’d need an extracurricular activity or two. Hers was cheerleading. I’d want a few more. I would play for the tennis team, just as I did in high school. I’d only play because I had a horrible loss my senior year that kept me from getting to the Illinois state tennis tournament. I’d work hard, make it to the state tournament and then be forced to default because my 45-year-old body couldn’t handle playing three matches in one day.
I would also join some clubs that didn’t exist when I went to high school. The Computer Animated Design club. The science fiction club. Maybe even the Gay and Lesbian club, which seems to be popping up at every high school. I’m not gay but I’ve always wondered what gay high school students talk about after school? Do they study together? Do you study a different way if you’re gay?
According to authorities, Brown was planning to attend school until she graduated because she never received a high school diploma. I did graduate but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it again, right? And I’d want to give the commencement speech. I’d walk proudly to the podium, mortarboard balanced on my head, gaze out at my fellow students and the parents fanning themselves with programs. And then, I would reveal my ruse:
“Mr Superintendent, faculty members, parents and fellow students, my name is Greg Schwem. You may know me as ‘that new kid who claimed he had a disease which caused some of his hair to turn prematurely gray.’ You may know me as ‘that kid who seemed a bit too knowledgeable when we covered the 1980s in history class.’ You may know me as ‘that kid who occasionally used an American Express card in the cafeteria.’
I am all those people. I also am a 45-year-old father of two girls who aren’t even in high school yet. Thank you for allowing me into your school to see what high school is like today. I have met so many people this past year. And I can honestly say there is hope for all of you providing you stop text messaging and quit spending so much time trying to make your MySpace pages as ugly as possible.
Speaking of which, please try to remember that success does not equate to how many “friends” you have on Facebook. You are not successful just because you can kick butt in an on line poker room. And getting the highest score on Guitar Hero will get you nowhere in the real world. So put down the gadgets, stop interacting with virtual people and start talking with real people. Volunteer at a nursing home, work in a homeless shelter or become a big brother or big sister. Stop relying on your helicopter parents for money and get a job. Think baby-sitting is beneath you? I pay our baby sitter seven bucks an hour – sometimes to watch TV!
Open a savings account, eschew credit cards, keep a journal. Learn how to spell without the aid of a spell checker. Learn to add without Quicken. Do your research in a library and not through Wikipedia. Be nice to everyone and don’t judge people who are different. They may be your boss one day.
That’s all I have to say. Now lets sing the school fight song. Please welcome our head cheerleader…WENDY BROWN!
About Greg Schwem
Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and president of Comedy With a Byte. Please visit his website by clicking here
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