Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Santa, what happened?

Dear Santa:
Well, it’s been three weeks since Christmas and I’m still waiting. Did you not get the letter I sent? The one containing my wish list? My kids got everything they wanted for Christmas. However, I seem to have been overlooked. Therefore, I assume it got lost in the mail. I have re-typed it below. Feel free to drop by anytime with your bag. We can hang out in my family room, have a beer and have a nice long chat, since you have more time on your hands now. I will be waiting.

I wish I could send my kids to school without fear that a classmate will be packing a weapon and may decide to use it that morning.
I wish I could turn on the radio and not hear a song containing the words “bitch” “muthafucka” or any derivative thereof.
I wish I could email replies to everybody who sends me spam without worrying that doing so would cause me to get infinitely more spam. I’d begin by emailing ??? and saying, “No, I do not ejaculate prematurely and therefore, do not need your pills. But thank you for your concern.”
I wish I could play golf without once hearing a cell phone.
I wish somebody would enter a National Rifle Association meeting with an AK-47 and begin shooting. Oh, the irony!
I wish a respected doctor could find some health benefits in Hooters wings.
I wish Little League baseball season lasted eight weeks, games were played twice a week and the only place a team “traveled” to was 7-11 for slurpees.
I wish I had a Sunday with absolutely nothing to do.
I wish multiplexes would offer refunds.
I wish Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie would spend a week working at the following jobs on The Simple Life: coal miner, inner city school teacher, long term caregiver, pediatric hospital nurse and soup kitchen volunteer.
I wish I could be there when Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie commit suicide following their work weeks.
I wish Vegas was still run by the Mob and not major corporations
I wish my four year old would stay four forever
I wish I could take my family to a baseball game, buy everybody a hot dog, a Coke and a souvenir and not spend more than 50 bucks.
If I spend more, I wish Alex Rodriguez would make up the difference.
I wish dogs could talk, especially Labradors. They just seem cool.
I wish I could have dinner with Paul McCartney and he would tell me Beatles stories that nobody has ever heard.
I wish promos for slasher movies would not appear during football games.
I wish somebody in Congress had the balls to stand on the chamber floor and say, “as long as there are people willing to strap explosives to their bodies and press a button, we will never win the war in Iraq.”
I wish it would snow everywhere for two weeks after Christmas, just so kids could try out their new snowboards. Then it can melt.
I wish Alex Trebek could be a contestant on Jeopardy.
I wish everybody had one really rich relative and one really poor relative. Then, every weekend we could all wake up and say, “Should I help or mooch today?”
Thanks Santa. I will probably be adding more wishes throughout the year. Please don’t forget me next Christmas.