Friday, September 30, 2005

Mr. Chief Justice, what does this mean?

The most relaxed guy in the nation this weekend has to be John Roberts, the nation’s newest Chief Justice.

Before going further, I wonder how does a new guy get to be the CHIEF right away? Isn’t there a pecking order for justices? At the very least, there should be some sort of hazing. Superglue his law book pages together, give him incorrect directions to his office, order a robe that’s three sizes too small so everyone can see his boxers, or loosen the head on his gavel so it flies off when he convenes the new session,. Okay, forget that last idea as the gavel head would probably strike some court visitor in his human head, prompting the most ironic lawsuit in the history of lawsuits, namely somebody SUING the Supreme Court.

I’m not much of a Supreme Court watcher but I followed the confirmation process with gusto only because the senators kept referring to memos Roberts had written. Some of these memos were written 25 years ago. Can you imagine anybody saving things you had written 25 years ago and then using them as possible evidence against you? I can just see it now: Mr. Schwem may I refer to Exhibit A, this Post-It Note that you left on the refrigerator in your first apartment. I believe it’s directed to your roommate. If I may quote the note verbatim. “Dude, we’re out of beer and toilet paper. Can you spring for some?” Now Mr. Schwem, what exactly did you mean to infer in that note? Can this panel assume you have a drinking problem? Overactive bowels? WHERE DO YOU STAND ON ABORTION?

If lawyers and judges have to save all their memos, their offices must be more cluttered than my eight year old’s room. My wife and I got into a mild argument the other night as we were cleaning out the basement. Well, not really “cleaning it out.” That implies that things were going to get thrown away. We were merely moving things from one side to the other so the unfinished floor could be painted. When it’s done, I envisioned myself moving it all back and decided I didn’t feel like lifting everything again. Hence the argument.

Putting it bluntly, I told my wife she saves too much crap. We moved into our house 18 months ago and there are still unopened boxes moving cartons in the basement. Obviously what’s in them has little value, otherwise we would have actually gone LOOKING for the items and (gasp) USED them. Yet my wife sees it differently.
“It’s a basement,” she said. “What harm is that stuff doing down there?”

Unless you’re the one repeatedly lifting the cartons from one side to the other, nothing. I only hope I find some memos she wrote. Perhaps I can blackmail her into cleaning the entire house…by herself.

1 comment:

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