Saturday, November 12, 2005

Hey, turn that off!

I know I have blogged about the iPod before but I feel compelled to rant again only because, since my last post, the minds at Apple have decided that the world really does want to watch video on a screen that's two inches by two inches.

And somebody else has decided that it might as well be x-rated video at that.

By now you've probably heard that Apple last month launched, with much fanfare, the video iPod. Immediately we were inundated with stories about how Apple had already signed a deal with ABC, allowing hit shows like Desperate Housewives to be available for viewing. As a Desperate Housewives watcher myself, I fail to see how downloading this show onto an iPod will improve its fortunes. This was a great show last year but come on...a guy locked in a basement? It took Happy Days seven years to jump the shark. The Housewives have done it in season two!

Anyway, the video iPod had debuted for all of about 30 minutes before I read an article about how some company was already moving forward to put porn movies on it. Why? Because that's the trend in technology: if it has a screen, it's capable of showing porn. Trust me, there's probably some sleazeball looking at the JumboTron in a football stadium right now thinking, "hmmmm, it's not being used at halftime, right? Maybe, just maybe..."

I have nothing against people living out their sexual fantasies through a VCR or DVD player. Heck, porn was everywhere when my wife and I conceived our second child through in vitro fertilization. Well, specifically it was in the "room" where I had to "produce my sample." I was happy to view the movies but I don't think the staff was too happy when I poked my head outside and asked for some microwave popcorn. But it did the trick, as evidenced by our three-year-old daughter.

But now it seems that porn is no longer something to be viewed in dark bedrooms. Instead, it should be viewed ANYWHERE, courtesy of the video iPod. And since people carry their iPods EVERYWHERE, the possibility exists that we can now watch porn while running on the treadmill, waiting for an airplane, walking in between classes or waiting for the kids in the minivan. We'll be able to take advantage of the iPod's nifty features, allowing us to categorize our porn into playlists, sort it by actor and genre, view quick clips and try to guess the movie, and even "shuffle" the porn with the push of a button.

Hey, look! Lesbian porn. That's what I love about this gadget. You never know what's coming. Or who, for that matter! Oh darn. The plane is landing. Guess I'd better turn this off.

As I write this, I realize that this might be a bad subject to put in a blog only because I've started receiving all sorts of interesting spam from people who have found a single word like "golf" in my past entries and are now sending me all kinds of offers for golf paraphenalia. So God only knows what kinds of offers I will get based on this entry. But I had to get it off my chest. I'm now going to sign off and buy a new charcoal grill on line. Maybe I can find one with a screen. Then I can enjoy the tantalizing aroma of ribs smoking on a summer evening...while watching porn.


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